


The Muse and the Seraph

by MysticaSmith



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 17:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticaSmith/pseuds/MysticaSmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robin divorces Regina while she explores her relationship with Emma, and finds herself unexpectedly pregnant. Henry summons an ancient Greek Muse to inspire changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
The Muse

Henry suddenly had a great idea, and taking a blank book off the shelf in the magical study, wrote and said aloud, “I summon a Muse.” The celestial winds blew around him in a flurry of blue-green smoke and sparks that smelled like campfires and hyacinths, and a woman appeared. Dressed in earth tones, with thick glasses and brown hair, it was difficult to tell how old she was. He waved the last of the smoke away and asked, “Are you a Muse?”  
“Why yes, I’m Thalia, the Muse of Comedy. Did you summon me?”  
“Yes. My name’s Henry. I was wondering if you could write my mom’s happy ending.”  
The Muse raised an eyebrow, “You want her dead?”  
“No, no! That’s not what I meant at all!” he exclaimed. “I mean my mom wants a happy ending to her story.”  
“You do realize that there are no endings, because nothing ever ends. Every end is the beginning of something else, and people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  
“This is my mom,” he said, opening another book, “And this is the story of our town.”  
She glanced through the book and smiled. “I’m a fairy tale addict,” she admitted, “And two moms! I can’t resist. Okay, I’ll write a few quick happy middle chapters.”  
“Thank you so much!”  
“So, how do you feel about cussing frogs and bright orange flowers that smell simply awful?””  
“Great!” Henry exclaimed, and they both laughed.

Meanwhile, Emma and Regina were on their way to find Lilith Page, and rescue Robin Hood.   
Regina sighed and said, “Emma, we’ve been driving or stuck in traffic all day. Can we just stop somewhere?”  
“Ever been camping, Your Majesty?”  
“We camped in Neverland. And I never want to do that again.”  
“Then pick something.”  
Checking options on her phone, Regina quickly found a place that sounded nice and reserved a suite. After carrying their bags into the room, Emma flopped down on the bed, and more tired than she had realized after driving all day, fell asleep.  
Regina watched as Emma dumped her things on the floor and then collapsed, jacket, shoes, and all. “Well,” she assessed. Since Emma didn’t respond, she started to unpack. Not leaving anything to chance without magic, she had packed several sets of clothes, including nightwear, wine, and something to read.  
Emma awoke from her nap to see Regina had fully unpacked, candles and all. She was sitting by the window wearing a long black nightgown and silk robe, drinking wine from a crystal goblet while reading from a book the size of an encyclopedia. Emma looked around and said, “You’ve got to be kidding me. We’re only staying one night and then we’re on the road again tomorrow morning.”  
“Yes, this is one night that I have to live through, minute by minute, and so, I plan to enjoy it as much as possible. I see no need to collapse like an exhausted toddler.”  
“Yeah, okay. No wonder your bag was so heavy! What are you doing, hauling a dictionary around with you? Are you planning on lugging that thing all over the streets of New York?”  
“Very funny, Miss Swan. It’s a spell book, and I’m doing some research. Just in case we have problems getting home.”  
“Have fun with that. I’m going to take a shower.”  
“Fine.”  
Emma shut the bathroom door and took a long, hot shower. “I’m here,” she said to herself, “I might as well enjoy it, too.” She had certainly spent the night in far worse accommodations. After drying off, she put her sweats on, dried her hair and opened the bathroom door. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness.  
“Oh no,” Emma said, looking around. Regina was reading by candlelight, and at least halfway through her bottle of wine. “You’re so lucky you didn’t set off the smoke alarms!”   
“I disabled those. I don’t like loud noises.”  
“Oh my God!”   
“What?”  
“If we get thrown out of here and end up back in the car tonight, it’s your fault.” She paused and then asked, “How were you planning to go to dinner if you’re drunk in your nightgown?”  
“I already ordered it. Before getting too drunk in my nightgown.”  
“So what did you order us?”  
“A variety,” Regina smiled, and poured her some wine.   
“This is a bit elegant for my tastes,” Emma said, and took a drink from her glass. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”  
“But you do know better,” Regina answered.  
“I guess,” Emma answered, and swapped several entrees.  
“I can’t help but notice that you have given me everything green, and are devouring the appetizers.”  
“I can’t eat that,” Emma said, shaking her head, “Or I might die.”  
Regina laughed, “I see. I suppose I’m left with these lethal vegetables, then.”  
“If you’re dead in the morning, I’ll know what killed you.”  
“How reassuring. Fortunately we don’t all have to like the same things.”  
Emma poured herself more of the wine. It was much better than she normally associated wine with being, and left a warm, honey and oak flavor in her mouth. “This is really good.”  
“Indeed, the flavor of wine is brought out by cheese, which you have just eaten a large quantity of.”  
“Mmm… I like it.”  
“Better than nasty drinks like rum?”  
“I don’t complain about anything people share with me. Except cheap Scotch, that tastes like gasoline.”  
“So it would seem,” Regina answered, and finished her meal. Then she asked Emma, “Tell me about your superpower. Henry tells me you know when someone is lying.”  
“I can. I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve always been able to tell when people are lying.”  
“How does it work? Do you see something?”  
“No, it’s a sinking feeling, like ‘Oh, man, this guy’s lying.’ Or maybe it’s just that I realized what it was that way, and started to pay more attention to it.”  
“Do you think it’s a magical talent?”  
“Is there a difference?”  
“Maybe. I haven’t often used the term ‘superpower,’ so I’m not sure what that entails, but by definition, if it works in non-magical areas, it must not be magical.”  
“Well, I guess it means something that ordinary people can’t do, and that you’re sort of born with, or that you realize you have. Do you have any?”  
“Perhaps. It is not nearly as useful as knowing when someone else is lying.”  
“Oh? What is it?”  
“Do you promise that you won’t laugh?”  
“Sure. What is it?”  
“I can will myself to orgasm wherever and whenever, without anyone else noticing.”  
“Sorry, trying not to laugh,” Emma said, doing her best not to smile, but the temptation to burst into laughter was very hard to resist. “Is that a magic power?”  
“No, there’s no magic needed. I can do it here in the non-magical world.”  
“You’ve already tried?”  
“We were stuck in traffic for a long time.”  
“Oh my God!” Emma laughed, “Okay, let’s see you do it.”  
“All right.” She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, then she was quiet for about a minute, and then smiled and opened them. She sighed softly and said, “I did it, and you would know if I were lying.”  
“You’re not lying,” Emma agreed.   
“But it’s not as useful as your power.”  
“I don’t know, that could liven up some dull moments. You could even sit at your desk and have a quickie with yourself.”  
“I do,” she smiled, and Emma couldn’t resist laughing with her.  
“Why does that not surprise me at all?”  
“Sometimes I sit there and listen to music, doing it very slowly, and letting it sort of flow up and down.”  
“Wow, now I think I’m jealous. Who cares if a bunch of losers are lying, if I could be sitting around having audial orgasms?”  
“Come to bed with me.”  
“What?”  
“No one else will ever know. We might have your friend Lily with us tomorrow and more people after that. It might be a long time before we are ever unsupervised again.”  
Emma looked around at the candles and disabled smoke alarm, and said, “Supervised might be a good thing for you.”  
Regina laughed and stood up, taking Emma’s hand. “It will be our secret. I trust you can keep a secret?”  
“Better than most,” Emma answered, and stood up. She put her arms around Regina and said, “So you are trying to seduce me.”  
“Is it working?” she smiled.  
“The long negligee was my first hint,” Emma laughed, and then she asked, “Are you sure about this?”  
“I’ve been admiring you, and after tonight, it may be a long time before we ever get the chance to do anything like this again.”  
“Have you ever been with another woman before?”  
Regina paused, and then admitted, “No, not like this, but I’ve always wanted to.”  
“What? I should think you would have had whatever and whoever you wanted.” Emma scanned her for dishonesty, and found a lot of nervousness.  
“Just the opposite,” she said, “I’ve had, as you pointed out earlier, lots of supervision.” Then she paused and asked, “Have you done this before?”  
“Oh yeah, I had a girlfriend in New Mexico,” Emma said, “And another one in Oregon.”  
“You never told me that!”  
“You never asked,” Emma answered as Regina pulled her over to the bed, “But we’re not going to tell anyone else about this, okay? Don’t confide in Mary Margaret, and especially don’t tell any guys! It gives them grand expectations.”  
“I won’t tell anyone. As I expect, you will also not reveal my secret superpower.”  
“They would wonder how I knew,” Emma said softly, and pulled her close. “No strings attached?”   
“No strings.”  
“Okay,” Emma agreed. She felt a little odd at first, kissing Regina, but it passed quickly. “Whatever happens on our road trip stays on our road trip.”   
“Of course. Show me what you want me to do.”  
“Just do what feels natural and good.”  
“Like this?” she asked, putting her hand up under Emma’s shirt. She started to caress her breasts, slowly and lightly.   
Emma couldn’t help but giggle, and said, “Yeah, like that. But I’m not made of glass, and you can press a little harder.”  
“The harder you press, the less you feel,” Regina whispered into her ear. “One of the rules of magic is that sensation begins close to the body, in the auric field, not on it.”  
“You never mentioned that before.”  
“You never kissed me before.”  
“Does it work here?” Emma asked, pulling the ribbon holding Regina’s silk robe closed. It flowed open, revealing skin and fabric beneath.   
“It feels faint, pale even, like watered down wine.”  
“What happens when these auric fields overlap?”  
“Intimacy.”   
Emma kissed her lips, cheek, and then her neck, kissing the bones leading across to her breasts, and enjoyed feeling the silky nightgown.   
Regina cautiously shifted her hands around, gently sliding Emma’s tank top off her shoulders and said, “Sometimes when I’m alone and using my secret power, I’m thinking about you.”  
“My clothes do come off,” Emma said, and pulled the tank top over her head, “They’re not glued on.”   
Regina laughed and sat down on the bed.  
“Guess what? My sweats come off, too,” Emma added, tossing them aside, and Regina laughed with her as they embraced. 

Emma awoke the next morning to being gently shaken. She was still tired, and had a headache that was an undeniable wine hangover. She moaned.  
“Emma, Emma! Time to wake up!”  
“Huh? What?”  
“Checkout is at eleven, and it’s nine-thirty now.”  
“So pack up your stuff and let me sleep for another hour.”  
Regina answered with a caress and a soft kiss. “I really enjoyed being with you last night.”  
“My head hurts. How are you so perky and irritating this morning?”  
“Because greens are not lethal,” she answered sweetly.   
Emma groaned and put an arm over her face, “I’ve created a monster.”  
“We could stay another night if you want.”  
“I thought you wanted to rescue Robin,” Emma said from under her elbow.  
“He’s not being eaten by a dragon. He doesn’t return my calls, and might be in bed with my sister while we speak. Besides, we shared something very special last night. Magical. There could be something more between us, and we could be each other’s happy endings. It makes perfect sense. What if,” she paused, “We…”  
“Oh, no!” Emma said, sitting up, “There is no ‘we.’”  
“Why not? There could be. We already have a child together.”  
“Because I don’t want that kind of thing, that’s why. I don’t love you, and I don’t want to play house!”  
“That’s unnecessarily harsh.”  
“I thought you knew what no strings meant. This is a freaking fishing net!”  
Regina moved away. “And there’s no possible way I could compare to a pirate!”  
“Just pack up your stuff, and let’s get going,” Emma said, getting up out of bed. Hangover or not, this conversation was over.   
“I was just hoping…”  
“What?”   
“That maybe things could be different between us. We were close, and I felt something. Maybe…”  
“What? That you love me? That we’re going to move in together and have a happy little family? Not a chance.”  
“You really can’t form relationships, can you?”   
“Look, last night was a big mistake, I can see that now. I should have known I couldn’t just have casual sex with you! One fling and I woke up married!”  
“All right. Maybe I imagined something that wasn’t really there.”  
“Definitely. Now pack up and let’s get going.”  
Emma disappeared into the bathroom, locking the door. She scrubbed herself, washing off the feelings, the scent, and even the memory of the night before.   
Regina looked in the mirror, and asked, “What made me think that was a good idea?” But it was an ordinary mirror, not magical, and remained silent. So she packed up her things and decided to sit in the lobby and wait. She checked her phone, and answered her messages.   
Emma got out of the shower, dressed herself, and was surprised to find the room empty except for her backpack and phone. “Ah, damn it!” Emma sighed. She gathered up her things, and found Regina waiting in the lobby. “Ready to go?” she asked her.  
“Quite.”  
Twenty miles down the road, Emma realized that the silence was oppressive. “Look, you were right. I’m sorry I said all that mean stuff to you earlier. I can’t form relationships. I’m no good at it. Every time I try to get close to someone it goes horribly wrong. Can we just forget about it?” There was no answer, and Emma sighed. 

When Henry arrived the next day, Thalia looked vexed, “Henry, are your mothers difficult? Do they cause problems and get bent out of shape a lot?”  
“Oh yeah. You can count on that. Why?”  
“Because twelve hours ago I had them completely happy, and all set to find new ways of getting along, and they screwed it up.”  
“It may not be possible to get them together. I mean, they do have boyfriends. Sort of, anyway. My birth mother doesn’t make friends easily, and it takes her a long time to get attached to people. She has issues.”  
“So simple delights and romance won’t do it. It seems this is going to take longer than I thought. Right now they’re not even speaking to each other.”  
“Are they sitting in the car not talking?”  
“Exactly.”  
“Rain of frogs.”  
“Doesn’t suit. Too Biblical. And it has to be believable. Probable.”  
“Cow in the road.”  
“That’s a last stage effort. But I can foresee this taking a lot of time, and I need to move several other stories along personally and inspire many more.” She handed Henry what looked like an old flip phone. “Take this, and what will look to other people like text messages will actually be subspace transmissions. Non-earth-based life forms may intercept these, so never mention what star system you’re in, and especially not what planet you’re on.”  
“That almost never comes up in daily conversation.”  
“That’s all to the good. Let me know how the frogs and stenchblossoms work out.”  
“I will!”  
Then she nodded, “Goodbye,” and the Muse vanished.

Lily sat in the back seat of Emma’s car, trying to figure these two out. The Savior and the Evil Queen had done nothing but bitch at each other every time they made a pit stop, and then give each other the silent treatment the rest of the time. They both acted like they needed a cigarette and a good screw.  
Hours had gone by with only awkward silence, when the Evil Queen answered her phone. “What?” she said, “A mysterious rain of talking frogs? Giant orange flowers that smell like dead fish and come up overnight?”  
Emma looked at her briefly and listened to the one-sided conversation. Once the Evil Queen hung up after telling someone named Henry how much she loved him, Emma lit into her again. “What’s wrong with Henry?”  
“There’s nothing wrong with my son. There are strange plants growing in Storybrooke, that’s all, and some talking frogs.”  
“He’s my son too, Regina,” Emma snapped. “There’s no need to go back to that, is there? Just because…” Then she suddenly censored herself, remembering someone else was there.  
Lily kept her opinion to herself until they stopped for gas and the Evil Queen had stomped off after giving them both the stinkeye. As Emma was watching the pump, she asked, “Are you two married or divorced?”  
“Neither one, Lily. It’s complicated.” Then Emma paused, and said, “Don’t steal from her. I’m serious.”   
“I wasn’t going to swipe her purse, Emma. But it’s easy to see she’s in love with you.”  
“If you’ve missed the whole point of our road trip, we’re going to New York to pick up her boyfriend.”  
“So, dicks are easy to come by.”  
“Just stop talking, okay?”  
Lily paused and eyed Emma, “Do you love her?”  
“Of course not.”  
Lily leaned forward and said, “Then let’s kill her. No one would ever come looking for her. We just drive for a while, then you stop. I’ll take her out into the underbrush. Just stay in the car and don’t listen. I get revenge on the bitch who caused everything to go wrong in the first place, and you’d have your kid back, and the kid comes with a ton of money.”  
“Oh my God! No!”  
“Why not?”  
“Where do I even start? Because we don’t kill people, and that would be especially cruel, that’s why.”  
“You have everything to gain, and nothing but a bitch to lose. Does she add anything to your life but grief?”  
“Don’t you dare, Lily!”  
“Doesn’t she deserve it? She’s the one who ruined everyone’s lives to start with. Think about it. Doesn’t it make sense?”  
“No!” Emma looked over her shoulder and saw Regina walking towards them. “Just stop talking!”  
“Why?”  
“Because you don’t know right from wrong, and you’re full of bad ideas and darkness, that’s why!”  
Lily saw the Evil Queen within earshot and said, “Darkness, or the ring of truth?”  
Regina looked at them and asked, “What darkness and ring of truth?”  
“Emma,” Lily insinuated.  
“Will you please just shut up, Lily?”  
“Emma, are you hiding some sort of artifact?”  
“No!”  
Regina looked at her suspiciously, “Is this superpower of truth detection the result of a magic ring?”  
“Oh, my God!” Emma exclaimed while Lily laughed, “No, there is no magic ring! Damn it, Lily!”  
“Emma Swan, if you have a magic ring, show it to me now!”  
Lily about fell over laughing as Emma put the gas pump back on the hook and screwed in the cap.  
“There is no magic ring, Regina. Please just get in the car.”  
“Then how does she know about it?” Regina accused, pointing at Lily.  
“There’s nothing to know,” Emma said, and sat down. The other two got in after her.   
“Emma, this is important. I know we’re both upset and out of sorts right now, but if you have some kind of dark magic ring that is a very, very serious thing.”  
Lily was still laughing, and Emma said, “She’s joking, Regina. She said that so you would overhear it and jump to conclusions. Which you did.”  
“I don’t find that very funny,” Regina answered, “And I can pull pranks, too.”

As the miles went on, Emma decided that the strangest road trip had disintegrated into the most aggravating. After the stop at the gas station, Lily and Regina had fought the rest of the drive. Lily found Regina’s attitude intolerable, and Regina thought Lily was equally insufferable. They were still snapping at each other as Emma tried to find her way through New York.  
“Stop it!” Emma finally shouted. “Stop it and help me find where we’re going!”  
Regina found Robin’s address, and as Emma drove past it, Lily looked at the building Robin lived in and burst into laughter.  
“What is it?” Regina asked.  
“Your Majesty, your boyfriend lives in a tenement,” Lily guffawed.  
Regina gave her a death stare, and said, “I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”  
Emma sighed, “Quit it, Lily, and help me find a place to park.”


	2. After Happily Ever After

Thalia, my mom married her boyfriend and everyone thinks she should be happy, but I can tell she’s not. She’s completely miserable. 

Henry, people don’t always know when they’re happy. They also discover that having is not nearly so fine a thing as wanting, but I’ll try to check into it. 

Emma pulled on Regina’s elbow. “Hey, let’s go out for a drink. We haven’t talked in a long time, since the wedding, and all that.”  
“I probably shouldn’t. I still have work to do.”  
“There will still be plenty of work to do later on and in the days after that. Besides, there’s something about Gold and the cussing frogs I’d like to talk to you about.”  
“All right. Are you driving or shall I?”  
“I’ll drive. Come on.”  
Once in the car, Regina asked, “So do you think he created those dreadful cursing frogs?”  
“Not unless if he kisses them they turn into naked ladies.”  
“Do they do that? Henry has some in his room!”  
“No, they don’t! Although that would shed some interesting light on why all I’ve ever heard them say is ‘Kiss my butt,’ and ‘Go to Hell.’ Look, I said that just to get you out of earshot of the others. I wanted to ask you how things were going at home.”  
“Fine. Why?”  
“Because both Henry and Mary Margaret came to me separately and said they were very worried about you but that you won’t open up to them. So they asked me to find out. What’s wrong? I can tell something is.”  
“Nothing is wrong. Everything is perfect. I got my happily ever after.”  
“And then?”  
“Then what?”  
“That’s my question. Then what?”  
“Then nothing. Everything is fine.”  
Emma sighed and then said, “Mary Margaret found the box. And Henry has been worried about you for a long time now.” She paused, and waited for a response. Getting none, she added, “I know what a box like that is for. It’s a symbolic coffin. Of everything.”  
“What was she doing going through my things under the sink?”  
“Looking for the toilet plunger, to be honest. Those guys drop battleships. Anyway, how long do you plan to go on pretending everything is fine when it so clearly isn’t? Remember my superpower? I can tell you are not only lying but miserable about it.”  
“Let’s start with the plunger. My house used to be mine. Now it’s full of his kids, his friends, and his messes. Henry is hardly ever there anymore, he’s always with you. I thought being married to Robin would be wonderful, because I was marrying for what I thought was love, but it’s not what I expected.”  
“How so?”  
“Have you ever been in love, Emma?”  
“Every time I thought I was in love, it was something different, depending upon the time, the circumstances, and the person. Like a boyfriend that turns out to be a hideous flying monkey. I didn’t grow up with a family, and everyone I tried to get close to always got taken away. Eventually I just put up walls to keep everybody out.”  
“And that’s why you’re no good at relationships?”  
“I’ve been burned too many times. It seems like as soon as you give someone your love and trust they take it for granted and think they can use you.”  
“They do.”  
“What happened? I can tell something is wrong, because you never smile or laugh at anything anymore.”  
She took a deep breath. “I can understand why he would genuinely miss Marion. I had a teenage romance, too, and I used to think that we would have lived happily ever after if my mother hadn’t destroyed the relationship for power. In reality we probably would have discovered that we didn’t have that much in common after all. But Robin was spoiled by Zelena.”  
“Spoiled? How so?”  
“She waited on him hand and foot, and never said no to anything. He looks at me like a selfish, evil queen because I don’t always put his needs first. She made the biggest spoiled baby and left him for me to think I won.”  
“That’s wicked.”  
“I didn’t know people did things like that.”  
“Oh, they do. And they usually build a monster when they don’t plan on keeping it around and know exactly who they’re going to dump it on. I sort of wondered that when I saw her smirking at you.”  
“This isn’t happily ever after, at least not mine.”   
“I can see that,” Emma agreed, “But I don’t think you’re going to be any happier pretending or waiting around for things to improve. Why don’t you just divorce Robin? You made a mistake. Undo it and move on.”  
“I’d be humiliated. I can hear Zelena laughing at me all the way from Oz.”  
“You can divorce him and be temporarily embarrassed, or you can continue the charade and feel miserable for a while longer, until you finally become so frustrated and depressed that you can’t keep it up. That’s how these things go. If I were you I’d let her have him back, and she can live with what she created.”   
“How embarrassing. Where are we going, anyway? Please tell me we’re not going to Granny’s diner so that everyone can overhear our conversation while staring at a scantily clad werewolf.”  
“We are not going to Granny’s diner,” Emma laughed, “There’s a place I think you’ll like.”  
“You promised me a drink, and I’d prefer to avoid the social life.”  
“What? No pool hall? No six pack of beer by the troll bridge?”  
“If you’re going to drink beer with trolls under a bridge just drop me off over there at Mary Margaret’s house,” Regina said.   
Emma laughed, “I’m just joking! Look, let’s stop here at the grocery store. You can pick whatever you like, and then I’ll take you to my secret thinking spot.”  
“Secret spot? I actually like the sound of that,” Regina smiled, and followed Emma through the store, watching her pick up an odd assortment of items. “Why do you like sweet flavors so much?”  
“What’s with you and only eating meals that take at least an hour to prepare? Would it kill you to try a frozen burrito or some chips?”  
“Yes,” she answered, pointing at the candy in Emma’s hand, “If you can taste the chemicals there’s too many of them.”  
“And I can’t eat anything green. So there we are. You’ll never convince me to run away with you if I can’t have any munchies.”  
“I’m happy with fruit.”  
“Hey, great. You’re a cheap date except for that forty dollar bottle of wine in your hand. Sure I can’t talk you into a six pack of beer?”  
“I’m sure.”  
“Last chance for snacks before we go.”  
“I want to see where we’re going.”  
The secret spot turned out to be a rooftop. Regina lay down next to Emma on a makeshift bed of sleeping bags and air mattresses, and looked up at the night sky. Then she laughed.  
“What’s so funny?”  
“Everything.”  
“Why? Because you’re lying next to Snow White’s daughter on the roof of an abandoned warehouse hoping for a brief escape from your happily ever after?”  
“Yes. That’s one way of saying it.”  
“Do you want to tell me more of what’s been bothering you? After all, you did marry a professional thief who was living out in the woods with a bunch of other jobless guys. How many ways can that go wrong?”  
“I don’t want to think or talk about any of that. I’d rather be here with you. But even if you’re with me tonight, you’ll just push me away again in the morning, like you did before.”  
“That’s probably true. Maybe sooner, since you’re only supposed to be gone for a few hours.”  
“Why? Why do you still push everyone away?”  
“Because I’m broken. Like there was some sort of love bone or something that got broken so often before that now it doesn’t work right anymore.”  
“Could it be fixed now? What if I fixed it?”  
“I don’t know if I want it to be.”  
“Do you believe in happily ever after?”  
“No, I don’t. Life’s a bitch and then you die.”  
“That’s it? That’s all there is?”  
“Yup. That’s it.”  
Regina slid over and put her head on Emma’s chest.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Listening for your heart. I thought I should make sure it’s still there.”  
“Well, is it?”  
“I’m not sure. Maybe if I wait a little longer I’ll hear something.”  
Emma put her arms around Regina, and felt her hair. “You have the silkiest hair,” she remarked, and then enjoyed touching it while Regina lay quietly against her chest. As she stared up into the sky, the stars shone brightly against the darkness. She watched what she guessed were satellites move slowly overhead. They were small, like stars, but they were definitely moving. She saw a few of what might have been meteorites, she wasn’t sure, they were very fast and vanished quickly. Or maybe, she wondered, they were asteroids. What was the difference? Something large flapped in a distant tree, and then she finally spoke, “Hey, are you asleep?”  
“No.”  
“Ever hear anything?”  
“I think so, you have a very faint heartbeat.”  
“I guess. I never really thought about it.” She ran her fingers through Regina’s hair again, and wondered what she was thinking, but thought twice about asking. She seemed to be a shivering a bit. “Are you cold?”  
“Maybe a little.”  
“Do you want to go?”  
“I like being here with you. I definitely don’t want to leave yet.”  
“I can stay here all night, but don’t you have to go home?”  
“I don’t want to,” she said softly, and then sighed. “I know what’s there waiting for me, and Henry never wants to visit anymore. He’s always with you. My house has been overtaken by Robin, his children, and his friends.” Then she was silent, and Emma watched the sky again.  
“What are you thinking?” Emma finally asked.  
“Have you spent many nights like this?”  
“Sleeping outside? Plenty. But I’ve only spent one night with just you, and as I recall you wanted a nice hotel.”  
“Do you ever think about it? About me?”  
“Regina, I can’t give you what you want. I can have sex with you if that sounds like fun, but I’m not going to tell you that I love you in the morning.”  
“Why not? Why won’t you let me love you?”  
“What do you want? An affair?”  
“It really hurt me that you had other girlfriends, but wouldn’t even consider being with me. Would it be so awful?”  
“No, it wouldn’t be awful. That’s not how I feel. But that’s sort of the problem. I don’t get emotionally involved, and for you an affair like that would be an obsession.”  
“I don’t hide my emotions well.”  
“I’m noticing that. Are you about to cry?”  
“I can talk and cry or just not say or do anything at all.”  
“I think I know what you’re going to say,” Emma sighed, “And exactly what I didn’t want to happen already did. I knew I shouldn’t have slept with you in that hotel room!”  
“I would still love you even if you hadn’t slept with me.”  
“But I would not have encouraged it,” Emma said. “This is why I don’t let people in. This is why I have walls around me. Every time I have any kind of relationship it blows up in my face.”  
“What did I do wrong?”  
“Nothing, okay? It’s me.”  
“If I hadn’t married him, would there have been any chance that you would have wanted to be with me?”  
“I’m a lone wolf,” Emma said. 

Far away, watching through an enormous crystal ball, Zelena smiled, and said to the flying monkey beside her, “This is the break I’ve been waiting for. Keep them up there on that rooftop until morning at least. I don’t want Regina having any alibi for where she was last night other than admitting to the affair with Miss Swan. Remember to be gentle when stealing my baby back, and don’t hurt the other little brat if you can help it. I want them living happily in Munchkinland. Beat that idiot former husband of mine almost to death. Don’t kill him, he needs to be able to talk. Just make sure he’s badly injured, and thinks that Regina did it with a magical blast or two. Don’t let that older boy see you, he’s a little too smart. Now go!” The monkey screeched an assent and took off out the window, where it was joined by several more.   
Then she turned back to the crystal ball, and held her broomstick over the images in the crystal, and said, “Quit babbling about your problems and just do her!” Then she laughed as she watched the following embrace.  
“Enjoy that fingering, Regina. It’ll be the last you get for a long time!”


	3. Divorce

“Emma!” David exclaimed, “Where were you all night?”  
“Oh, busy hanging out,” Emma answered vaguely.   
“I wish you had answered your phone,” David said.   
“Why? What’s going on?”  
“Robin is in the hospital. He said Regina tried to kill him, and someone or something else abducted and possibly killed the children. He said he thought it might have been two or three small dragons. There’s a search party out now looking for them.”  
“What? That’s impossible!”  
“What part?”  
“All of it! Regina was with me. She can’t possibly have attacked Robin.”  
“Several of his friends were witnesses. Do you know where she is now?”  
“I dropped her off at her house about twenty minutes ago.”  
“I have to go and talk to her about Robin and the kids. Coming along?”  
“Yeah, of course.”

Regina noticed the house was empty, and wondered why. That almost never happened. She looked from room to room, but Robin, his friends, and his children were gone, but for the mess they had left behind. Muddy footprints extended from the front door in all directions. Robin’s eldest son was a whirlwind of displacement, everything he touched landed on the floor. She knew children made messes, but why didn’t Robin bother to pick up a spilled box of crackers, instead of stepping on them all day long? Worse, some sort of red juice was pooling from a dropped cup, and had been there so long the floor was stained. Looking behind a corner chair, she found a pile of crushed beer and soda cans someone had tossed back there instead of disposing of properly. Yes, she could fix such things by magic, but constantly tidying up after slobs who simply didn’t care was unpleasant, especially since after one mess was cleaned up, they had made three or four more. Hearing a knock at the door, she went to answer it, surprised to see Emma and David.  
“What’s wrong?” She asked, glancing over at Emma, and noticing that she didn’t look very happy. Nothing like the kiss and promise to go out again the next weekend that had occurred less than forty-five minutes ago. “What is it?” she asked.  
“Regina,” Emma said, “Robin is in the hospital, and both kids are missing. Henry’s still with Mary Margaret, but the other two were carried away by what Robin said were small dragons.”  
“What?”  
David sighed and said reluctantly, “Robin said that you tried to kill him and his children last night, and there were a lot of witnesses.”  
“What?” She looked at Emma. “You know I didn’t do that!”  
“Yeah, I know. Unfortunately no one else does, and we’ve got a warrant for your arrest.”  
“You can’t be serious!”  
“I’m sorry,” David said, and Regina stood there in shock while David explained why he was clamping two silver bracelets on her wrists, anti-magic cuffs.   
“Did Gold give you these?” Regina asked.  
“Quite a while ago,” David admitted, “They’ve made the rounds on all of the magic-users in town.”  
“Emma, this can’t be real.”  
“I’m very sorry, Regina, but this is real. Please don’t scream and shout, okay? I don’t want to have to drag you.”  
“You are serious, aren’t you?” she asked, staring at Emma.  
“Yeah.”   
Regina stood there as the information sank in, and then let herself be led by David to the car while Emma picked up her purse and followed them. She understood the process well enough to know that playing along meant she obtained her real freedom much faster than attempting any escapes. Nonetheless, she was stunned that it was even happening.   
Once at the police station, Emma took her hand and led her inside. The familiar rooms felt odd and alien, and she sat quietly as David sat opposite her and said, “I’m going to read you a summary of the charges against you. Do you want a lawyer?”  
She stared back at him, “Do I need one?”  
“Maybe you should read this yourself, and then give your answer,” he said, and set the paper down in front of her.  
She read through it in shock. Not only did her husband think she had tried to kill him and their children, but there were a number of witnesses to the act. “I didn’t do any of this! Whatever these yokels think they saw, it wasn’t me!”  
“I know that,” he said, “And I’m sure there’s magic in it somewhere. So now Emma and I are going to find out who’s doing what where. We’ve also got people searching the surrounding woods for any trace of the kids.”  
“While I sit in a jail cell for my own benefit and the townspeople are howling for my blood?”  
“Yeah,” Emma said, “That’s about it.”  
“Emma can bring you something to read,” David added. “In the meantime I have some flying dragons to go talk to.”

Good news, Henry! I’ve traded some projects with my sister Urania. She likes astrophysics and killer robots, who don’t seem to have much of a sense of humor. So I’m returning to Earth for a while. I might do some people watching at that odd diner run by werewolves.

That’s great! Could you please hurry? My mom’s in jail, and everybody thinks she tried to kill my stepdad and his children. 

It sounds like a whale of a mess, and that there’s a huge tangled skein of fate to unravel. But I have some ideas about how to set things right. 

David sighed and got back into the police cruiser. Of course Maleficent and Lily claimed absolute ignorance, he would have been shocked had they done any differently. Returning to the station, Emma met him at the door.  
“You’d better look at this before we show it to Regina,” she said.  
“What is it?”  
“It’s a petition for divorce. Robin had it filed first thing this morning, and as the sheriffs, we get to serve her the papers.”  
David took the summons and petition, and quickly flipped through it. Then he shook his head and handed it back to Emma. “You give this to her. It looks as though Robin Hood has at least one last heist of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor left in him.”  
“I’m not sure the anti-magic cuffs are going to contain this,” Emma mumbled.  
“I have every confidence in your ability to handle the situation,” he said, turning around.  
“Hey, where are you going?”  
“To plan an evacuation in case she somehow manages to burn down the whole town.”  
“Gee, thanks,” Emma said, and went to talk to Regina, who was sitting on the cot in her cell, reading a book. “Hey,” Emma said, “How are you holding up?”  
“This is impossibly boring and pointless.”  
“Yeah, I know. Don’t shoot the messenger, but this might give you something to not be bored about.”  
“What?”   
Emma passed the papers through the bars, and waited while Regina read the first several pages.  
“What the hell is this?” Regina shouted. “He thinks he deserves what?”  
“Just because he thinks he can get it doesn’t mean that he will,” Emma said.  
“I know how things work, and temporary orders become permanent. He’s not deserving of anything!” she screamed, “Let alone my house or my money! He was homeless before he met me! And signed leases from his worthless, jobless friends saying that they now live in my house?”  
“I agree,” Emma said, trying to calm her down, “But screaming and yelling isn’t going to help you at all. It only makes you look guilty, so don’t do it!”  
“How am I supposed to not be angry, Emma? Tell me that.”  
“Look, I have to say that his timing is perfect, but it doesn’t mean that you automatically lose. But you have to get control over yourself, even though you have every right to be angry. Anyone would be, but it makes you look bad, and in this situation, that’s going to work against you big time! Listen, you can always get another house, more stuff, and go on with life. Don’t get hung up on this, or you might find yourself sentenced to a hundred years stuffed in a bottle!”  
She threw the papers on the floor, “So this is true love!”  
“This is a case of high hopes turning into the random stuff that people do. Remember those walls I have up that I never let down? This is why. I’ve seen crap like this happen to too many other people to think for one moment that it wouldn’t also happen to me.”  
The door opened, and David entered with three guilty-looking dwarves. Emma turned around and asked, “Oh, my God! What did they do?”  
“A combination of causing a disturbance, excessive drunkenness and public urination, the exact details of which are better left unsaid.”  
“Seriously, guys?” Emma exclaimed, “Seriously?”  
Dopey jumped and laughed, “Ding dong the wicked witch is…”  
“That’s enough!” Emma interrupted him, and David opened the other jail cell door, putting the dwarves in it, but not before Grumpy caught Regina’s eye.  
“You may have fooled everybody else before,” Grumpy said, “But you never fooled us, and now everyone knows what you really are! You’re going down!”  
“Keep it to yourself, Grumpy!” David said, and pushed him into the cell, closing and locking the door.  
Regina looked at Emma and said, “I don’t know if I can stand this.”  
“Don’t listen to those idiots over in the next cell, and I’ll see about getting you a sedative from the pharmacy. Maybe that would help.”  
“Or ask Gold for a knockout potion,” Regina said, picking up the papers she had thrown all over the floor. “Can I at least have a pen, so I can start preparing my answer?”  
“Yeah, sure,” Emma said, putting one up to the cell bars. Regina stepped as close as possible, and listened while Emma whispered to her, “Hold on just a little longer, okay? You’ll be fine. Maybe even out of here before those guys.”  
“I hope so. I can smell them already. How did Snow ever stand it?”  
Emma smiled, “I guess it’s like living next to a rendering plant or something. After a while you just don’t notice it anymore.”  
“Please hurry up.”  
Emma squeezed her hand, “I’ll be back in a few.”

Far away in Oz, the winged monkeys jumped up and down while their mistress cackled with delight. “She’s in jail!” Zelena laughed, as they watched through the crystal ball. “That was so easy it was delicious! Those Charming dum-dums will never figure it out! No worries, we’ll just let her sit there and stew in her prison for a bit.” She smiled and then told her winged monkeys, “Go get the clothes the children were wearing the night they were abducted. Put a few drops of their blood on some tattered bits, and leave them in the woods for the townspeople to find.” Then she laughed again, and decided to break for lunch.

Emma walked into Gold’s shop, and found him sitting quietly at the counter, sorting small dark bits into piles. “Good afternoon, Miss Swan,” he said, “What can I do for you?”  
“Hi, Mr. Gold,” Emma said, “I suppose you’ve heard about what happened?”  
“Of course, the whole town has heard about that. The Evil Queen tried to murder her husband, and killed the children just to make a point.”  
“What do you think?”  
“I think people shouldn’t rush into marriage, that’s what I think,” he answered. “I also noticed that the foul-mouthed frogs appeared and those dreadful flowers that stink of rotting sea life blossomed at the same time as their romance resumed. Perhaps Nature was giving her opinion?”  
“Yeah, maybe,” Emma agreed, “But what about the divorce? And what do you think will happen next?”  
“Was Regina completely unaware that she was marrying a professional thief?”  
“I’m sure she didn’t think about it that way.”  
“You see, I’m fairly sure the problem was she wasn’t thinking at all. She had a silly romantic notion in her head, and ignored all the warning signs around her that she was making a dreadful mistake. Now, that the opportunity presents itself, our legendary thief is doing what he’s best at, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. Which, in this case, is himself, his friends, and whoever he takes up with next.”  
“Are you saying he planned this?”  
“I don’t think he’s smart enough to plan anything, but he can certainly seize an opportunity when it presents itself.”  
“So you know that she didn’t do it.”  
“Why would she kill him in front of witnesses when she has all day and night to do it in the privacy of her own home?” He smiled, “And how do you know what she did or didn’t do?”  
“Because she was with me,” Emma answered.  
“But that doesn’t make her look any less guilty, it just implicates you as part of a cover up or conspiracy. That’s hardly any better, is it? Miss Swan, your affair with Regina is visible from space.”  
“But it’s not even really an affair! Not like that!”  
“Look past your own walls, and you might notice that she has a stealth factor of zero. She married him, but was quite clearly in love with you.”  
“A what factor of zero?”  
“The Evil Queen has no experience at passing unseen. She’s as showy as her friend Maleficent, turning into a dragon and making a ton of noise everywhere they go.”  
“Speaking of a ton of noise, three belligerent dwarves are in the cell next to Regina’s and they’re shouting rude things at her. I came here to ask if there was some sort of sleeping potion that could help her get through a night of that.”  
“You don’t need a magic potion for that,” he said, “If nothing from the corner drugstore will suffice, perhaps the doctor can help.”  
“Okay,” Emma said, noticing other calls on her phone, “Thanks for your time.”  
“Always a pleasure,” he smiled.  
Outside the store, Emma listened to David’s messages and decided there was no time to stop and pick anything up. “Sorry Regina,” Emma mumbled to herself, “It seems your disloyal subjects are rioting.”   
When she finally returned to the station, it was after dark, and the dwarves were complaining about their imprisonment. Regina was doing her best to ignore them and write up her response to the divorce summons and temporary order. Emma noticed the smell when she walked in, and exclaimed, “Ugh! What have you guys been eating?”  
“Beans and beer!” They laughed together.  
“Jeez!” she exclaimed, and David walked in after her.  
“Hey Emma,” he said, “I’m going to release the dwarves with fines, and get them out of here. That smell is more of a punishment for us than being in that cell is for them.”  
“Agreed,” Emma nodded, and stood back while David unlocked their cell door and escorted them out. Then she went to the other cell. “I didn’t get a potion, but I keep some stuff in my desk.”  
“Thank you, Emma,” Regina answered, “But without them here, all I really need is an open window, to let the last of their gas dissipate.” Then she handed Emma some of her paperwork. “Could you get this typed up and filed?”  
“Sure, of course,” she answered, and set the papers aside. Then she said, “I’m sorry.”  
“For what?”  
“Being a blockhead. Gold said that you married Robin when you were in love with me, and I thought back to our road trip. I as much as shoved you into his arms, and I’m sorry.”  
“So,” Regina smiled, “Do I still get my date night next weekend?”  
“Yeah, you do,” Emma said, reaching through and holding her hand. “Here’s hoping that it’s somewhere other than here.”  
“That gives me something happy to think about,” Regina said, squeezing Emma’s hand and looking up as David walked into the room.  
“I’ll be back tomorrow morning, okay?” Emma said.  
“Tell Henry I love him,” Regina said.  
“I will,” Emma promised, and giving Regina a quick kiss, left with David. The wind started to pick up, and by the time they were at home, it was a storm, with heavy gusts of rain. The loft seemed very cozy and inviting as they walked in.   
“How is everything?” Mary Margaret asked.  
“About as well as could be hoped,” Emma answered. “I don’t like leaving her there, but I don’t see any alternative, especially while the crowds are still worked up. Not yet, anyway. And she should be able to post her own bail.”  
“I hope so,” David added. “At least she won’t have the dwarves in there shouting and farting all night long.”  
“But there is supposed to be a storm tonight,” Mary Margaret said, “With heavy rains and high winds. I wouldn’t be surprised if the power went out and a few things blew away.”


	4. The Lady

The jail cell was quiet and cold, as Regina sat on the hard cot. There was a flat, uninviting thing masquerading as a pillow, and a thin white blanket that looked even drabber and less comforting in the dim evening light than it had during the day. She had a lot to think about, and noticed that the window had been left slightly open, to let the rest of the dwarf farts out. The rain and wind were whipping around in the trees outside, with occasional bursts of lightning. She looked at the cell bars, and at the anti-magic cuffs on her wrists. Escape would have been simple had it not been for those bracelets. Feeling chilly, she wrapped the blanket around herself and lay down on the cot. It was hard, cold, and very uncomfortable. The wind picked up, and then the power went out, leaving her alone in the darkness. With no distraction from her unhappiness, she gave in to the urge to cry, and wept into the pillow.

Unbeknownst to Regina, her tears caused a satisfied smile on her half-sister’s face, as she watched through her crystal ball. “Keep crying,” Zelena said, “There will be a lot more where those tears came from!” She turned to her flying monkey captain, and said, “Keep an eye on our weeping Evil Queen. I’ve some other business to attend to, and then I’m off to bed.”  
The monkey, quickly bored with watching a lone human woman cry, nodded off after about an hour. So it was fast asleep when in the darkness, something happened. 

Regina was crying alone in her jail cell, when she felt a warm hand on her shoulder, and a strong presence of gentle empathy. She opened her eyes, and knew beyond all doubt that she beheld a goddess. Gowned in white and radiant golden light, she was far more beautiful than any mortal creature, and smiling kindly, offered her hand. Awed, Regina accepted it and sitting up, vanished.

David and Emma unlocked the office early the next morning, which smelled much nicer than the day before. Instead of bean and beer farts was the sweet, springtime scent of lilacs and hyacinths. “Wow,” Emma remarked, “Something sure smells good.” While David checked the messages and made coffee, Emma went to check on Regina, who was sleeping comfortably in the cell, wrapped in soft blankets. The source of the lovely smell was easily apparent. A vase of fresh flowers was sitting on the desk. “Where did that come from?” Emma exclaimed. “David! You’d better come in here!”  
“Hey,” he said, walking in, “Where did those flowers come from? They smell wonderful.”  
“Someone else was here.”  
“Why don’t you wake her up, and let’s ask her what happened,” he said.  
Emma unlocked the cell door, and started shaking her awake, “Hey, Regina! Wake up!” After several attempts to wake her, she finally opened her eyes, and looked confused. “Hey, what happened?” Emma asked.   
Regina sat up, and looked around like she didn’t recognize anything. “Where am I? Where is the Lady, and the Garden?”  
“Where’s who?” Emma repeated. “What are you talking about?”  
Regina looked around at the hard cell blocks and cold steel bars, and screamed, “Oh no! I’m back here!”  
“Hey! Calm down! It’s not that bad!” Emma said, putting her hands on Regina’s shoulders until she was quiet. Then she asked, “Okay, take a deep breath. Now what happened? Where did the blankets and flowers come from?”  
“I had the most wonderful experience,” Regina said, taking Emma’s hand and smiling. “A goddess appeared to me last night, and took me to a garden of light. It was unlike anything else I’ve ever seen, and there were colors there that don’t exist here. We walked there among the most amazing starscapes and fountains, and she told me that I was very dear to her heart, and that things were going to be different from now on, but that I needed to be patient while the twisted skein of fate was unbound and then woven back together. She told me that I was going to be very happy, and that I was going to have a daughter who would be a demigoddess, with divine powers.”  
Emma sensed that Regina was withholding some information, and looked over at David. “Did you hear all that?”  
“I know what I heard, but I’m not sure that it had anything to do with reality.”  
Emma put her hands on the soft blanket, and admired it. “This is really nice,” she said, and then noticed what Regina was wearing. She touched the loose, flowing gown, and the long, wonderfully soft robe, subtly sparkling, like there were microscopic jewels or dewdrops woven in. “Where did all this come from?”  
“It’s what I was wearing in the Garden, and I woke up in it. There was more light and less solid material there, but this is what it turned into when I returned to Earth.”  
Emma touched the soft robe and delighted in the sensation of feeling it on her fingertips when Regina threw her arms around her and said, “I love you, Emma! We’re going to be so happy!”  
Surprised, Emma hugged her back, and looked over at David, who had no answers at all. “What do we do?” she asked him.  
“I have no idea,” he admitted.  
“I think this is clearly some type of magic, but I don’t know what. David, can you check the security camera? If anyone was here they should show up on it.”  
“Yeah, sure,” he agreed.   
“Okay,” she said, and after he left the room added, “What else is there? I know you’re not telling us the whole truth. You’re holding something back.”  
“The Lady wants me to concentrate on working light magic, and I’m not supposed to use evil spells anymore.”  
“Yes, that’s probably a good idea. But what else aren’t you telling me?”  
Regina smiled, “I can tell you what making love with a goddess is like, but I’m not sure David needs to know.”  
“Huh?”  
“Well, how do you think I got pregnant?”  
“Oh no,” Emma said. “I am so not prepared for whatever this is.”  
“Emma, don’t worry. Everything is going to be fine. Several curses, banes, and poisonings from the past have been undone. The Lady gave me a very rare and special gift, my baby is a seraph. I feel wonderful, actually, all fluttery and happy, like I’m still vibrating with the beauty of the Garden.” She smiled and took Emma’s hand and put it over her middle and said, “I can feel the baby, too. Sort of like golden light condensing.”  
“I have a great idea,” Emma said, “Why don’t we have you see a doctor?”  
“That would be fine,” Regina agreed.  
“And I think maybe Dr. Hopper needs to drop by as well,” Emma added, reaching for her phone as David walked back into the room.  
“I checked the surveillance camera from last night, and the power was out so there’s no record of anything.”  
“Okay,” Emma said, shaking her head.

“What?” Zelena screamed, and seized the flying monkey. “What happened? Why is she sitting there smiling in the middle of a magical golden glow? What happened last night?”  
The monkey shrugged its shoulders and screeched.   
“You stupid monkey!” she shouted, and whacked it over the head with her broom. “I told you to watch her! She’s supposed to be crying in her cell, not sitting at the desk smelling flowers and drinking coffee!”  
The monkey shrieked its continued ignorance, and so she said, “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself! Well, so be it. I’ll have to pay a visit to their sorry little town.” 

“So,” Emma asked Dr. Weil, “What do you think?”   
“There’s nothing physically wrong with her, and she’s about six weeks pregnant.”  
“What? Really?”  
“Definitely. She’s fine.”  
“Thanks. How’s Robin?”  
“Doing better. He should be released in a few days.”  
Emma sighed and turned to Regina, “Okay, let’s go.”  
As they walked out of the hospital and towards the car, Regina smiled, “I told you so.”  
“Get in,” Emma said. Once the doors were shut, she asked, “How?”  
“The Lady unraveled knots of evil, and put fate on a different path; changing what was possible. It looked like a web of light, and all the strands connect. We choose our actions, but the currents of fate can push or pull us in a chosen direction.”  
Emma groaned and then sighed.  
“I know what happened to me. No one believes me, but they don’t believe that I didn’t try to kill my husband, either.”  
“Can you blame them? I mean, it is sort of hard to just accept all of that.”  
“It doesn’t matter whether they believe me or not about the baby. I don’t plan on living with all of them. I’m only concerned about what my family thinks of me, and especially what you think.”  
“Magic I get, but what you’re telling me is on a whole new level.”  
“I think I know now how Henry must have felt trying to convince you about magic.”

Henry walked into the diner and looked around. Thalia was sitting alone in a corner with several books, a notepad, and what looked like a tablet computer. She looked up and motioned him over. “How are things?” she asked.  
“Weird,” he said, picking up a menu, “My mom is still in jail, but she’s completely happy.”  
“Remember the tangled skein of fate I mentioned?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I found it and it resembles a yarn basket after a cat went crazy in it.”  
Henry laughed, “That sounds pretty bad. So what are you going to do now?”  
“I have a few ideas,” she answered, “But it’s going to take a while to sort it all out. I suppose the first order of business is to get your mom out of jail.”

Dr. Hopper shrugged his shoulders. “It’s not unusual for people to have a religious experience in prison. Hers seems rather unique, and the artifacts are interesting, but since magic could be involved, that’s not surprising.”  
“Do you think we should release her?”  
“Considering the circumstances, she seems to be taking it all very well, and didn’t sound like she was planning on vengeance or destruction. She’s completely oriented to time and place, and she knows why she’s here. She doesn’t like it, but she comprehends it. I’ll sign the psych eval form, as long as the anti-magic cuffs stay on her. As long as she’s wearing those she’s very limited in what she can do. I’m more concerned about where you’re releasing her to. The whole town is in an uproar. And doesn’t the temporary order say that Robin and his ‘roommates,’ get to live in the house for the time being, and he also has a restraining order to keep her away from it and him?”  
“Yeah, that’s true, but as the sheriff I can accompany her in to get some of her things.” Emma said, “And she can stay with us for a while. I’ve seen people do some dirty things in divorces, and something tells me this one isn’t going to be any exception. Getting his friends to sign lease agreements as paying roommates was quite the move.”  
“Sad to say, none of that is unusual, either. You don’t need a legendary thief for that.”  
“True,” Emma agreed, “And if he’s anything like the other guys I’ve seen file first, he’s already cleaned out all money and hidden it somewhere. I would expect his friends have already been to the house and picked up whatever was easy to find, and if she left any of her passwords taped to her desk, they could have done a lot of damage.”  
“It’s not like she’s going to leave town, so even posting bail seems sort of pointless.”  
“Let’s see how court goes on Monday.”

As a condition of her release from jail, Regina was to stay two hundred feet away from Robin Hood at all times, and relieved of her duties as mayor. She was told to stay away from both the family home and any records and documents that might have been in her office- they were possible evidence. She asked that the anti-magic cuffs be removed, and there was a loud cheer of approval from the crowd when the judge told her no.  
“At least you have your car,” Henry said, as he sat down at the table across from Emma and Regina. Mary Margaret poured the coffee.  
“I think that’s only because his friends couldn’t find the keys or think up an excuse to take it,” Regina said.  
“This is only temporary,” Emma said. “It was your house before you ever met him, so after the divorce is final, you’ll get it back. The money however, will probably be gone.”  
“The money is already gone,” Regina said. “I checked that as soon as I got out of jail. Robin and his men will be very merry indeed for a while longer, and then after they’ve completely destroyed my house and filled it with garbage, he will be back where he started, living in the woods.”  
“You can just stay here with us until everything gets sorted out,” Mary Margaret said, sitting down.   
“I’m couch surfing at Snow White’s artsy loft while Robin Hood and his drunken Merry Men party in my house.”   
“And you don’t have to sleep on the couch,” Emma said. “You can stay upstairs with me, and we’ll let Henry have the sofa.”  
“Everything will work out, you’ll see,” Henry said. “Just look at it as a long visit. We’ll have fun.”


	5. Duchess

To prepare her legal papers, Regina decided to use the law books in the library downtown. She had several defenses to prepare, one civil and several criminal. She found a shelf of books with titles like Do-It-Yourself Divorce, Filing Made Easy, and The Pocket Lawyer. “I’m not sure these will be helpful,” she sighed, picking up the do-it-yourself volume.  
“Get out.”  
Regina looked up to see an angry Belle. “This is a public library.”  
“And no one wants you in it.”  
“Fine, I’ll just check out this book and leave.”  
“I’m not helping you.”  
“I’m not asking for help, I would simply like to take this book and leave.”  
“Which means you need a library card, which you don’t have, and to check it out at the desk, which I won’t do. So just leave now.”  
“I’m sorry for what happened in the past, but there’s nothing I can do to change that.”  
“You thought it was amusing to lock me up for over twenty years and stole my heart to torment my husband with, among other offenses. Do you expect me to forgive you for any of that?”  
“I don’t expect anything.”  
“Good, because I will never, ever, ever help you! You fool some people, but you’ll never fool me. You tried to kill your stepdaughter Snow White all those years ago, and now you’ve done it again. You killed those two children and you should burn in the hell that Snow White and Charming kept saving you from all those years ago… ”  
“All is well, ladies?” Gold inquired, joining them and effectively blocking the exit.  
“Everything is fine, I was just leaving,” Regina said.  
“I heard some rather interesting rumors about you, Regina.”  
“I really don’t want to have this conversation.”  
“Is it true that you were visited by some sort of otherworldly being and conceived because of it? I believe I heard that the entity was some sort of feminine divinity with a mind for self-replication?”  
“How is that your business, Rumpelstiltskin?”  
“I suppose it isn’t, but I’m surprised you would be ignorant enough to let that happen.”  
“What?”  
“Why would a god or goddess concern themselves with our mundane little lives? Didn’t you wonder why that would be? What did this entity want? It is to be certain, that the attentions of divinities are not given lightly. One should be very wary of the attentions of immortals; especially entities from the Outer Planes. Or were you so flattered and swept away that you never once questioned it?”  
Regina stood there silently, and wondered. What had she done?  
Sensing a moment of hesitation, Gold continued, “Creatures from the Outer Planes can assume whatever forms they wish, create whatever illusions they desire. Demons cloak themselves like angels of light. Did you by any chance catch the name of your celestial lover?”  
“That’s none of your business, either.”  
“Perhaps. But you should have made it more your business to find out what plane of existence your future offspring might be connected to. Anything, I suppose, from Asgard and Elysium to the Abyss or the Nine Hells. Maybe being born with wings and horns is only the beginning of it. That’s if you’re lucky, if a trickster goddess, like Angrboda, Loki’s wife, became your divine lover, having decided in a moment of fun to play with you. Perhaps an abomination with a long tail, feelers, and tentacles if you’re not. The monstrous, earthly grip of the ancient cephalopodan gods might just be beginning.” Then he finally stepped back, and eyeing the book in her hand, said, “Bring the book back whenever you get the chance.”  
Regina darted out past him, as quickly as possible. She had felt fine before talking to Gold, and now, terrifying images filled her mind. “Damn that Rumpelstiltskin! It’s not the magic that is the problem with him, it’s his talking!”  
Belle hugged him and said, “That was great, Rumple.”  
“I didn’t say anything that wasn’t possibly true,” he said. “If she chooses to behave like some sort of trollop on the Outer Planes of Existence, she will get what she gets.”  
“I really hate that woman, Rumple. I’m not petty, but I do want revenge for what she did to me.”  
“That’s certainly understandable.”  
“Can’t you find a way to put her in a bottle or something? She shouldn’t be running around free after all the evil things she’s done!”  
“You might think that it would be satisfying to vanquish an enemy by killing them, or imprisonment. But it isn’t. Far more enjoyable is the slow whittling away of their lives or happiness.”  
“I’m willing to take that chance.”   
Trying not to think about anything Rumpelstiltskin had said Regina climbed the stairs to the loft, with the book in her hand. She breathed deeply and started to unlock the door, only to find that her hands were shaking. Then she noticed a fluffy white cat staring at her with interest. Dropping the key, she started to feel more upset by the minute, Gold’s awful words playing through her head again. Picking up the key, she bit her lip to avoid crying.  
“Why are you so upset, darling?” the cat asked, in a sweet, feminine voice.  
Regina stopped and stared at the cat. It was beautiful, with long white fur and large blue eyes. “Did you speak?”  
“Of course I did,” the cat responded. “I have many names, but you may call me Duchess.”  
“I already like you better than the talking frogs.”  
“Delightful. Now let’s go in, and perhaps you could make us something to eat, and we can chat about what is troubling you.”  
She sighed and walked in. No one was home, and the cat followed her, running straight into the kitchen.   
“I have a wonderful idea,” Duchess said, “You should make yourself a lovely fish luncheon, and share it with me. Then you can tell me your concerns while I eat.”  
Regina laughed, “I see! Well, I’ve had worse conversations recently,” she said, finding a can of tuna in Snow White’s pantry. “Rumpelstiltskin managed to say some very upsetting things.”  
“What did you expect, dear? Talking with devils is always disturbing on some level or another.”  
“That is perhaps a fair definition of him,” she admitted, opening up the can.   
“Well, what did he say to upset you so much? You looked like you were about to start crying.”  
“He implied that my baby was going to be a monster born with horns or tentacles.”  
“That’s dreadful! Why did he say a terrible thing like that?”  
“He always says disturbing things, and his wife truly hates me.”  
“Why does she hate you, dear?”   
“I did some things I’m not proud of now, and that I wish I hadn’t done. Lots of them,” she admitted, putting some fish on a saucer and setting it down for the cat. She put some water next to it.  
“Keep talking while I eat, dear,” Duchess told her.  
Regina told Duchess what she had done earlier in life, and why, while the cat daintily ate her dinner. “Then things got worse,” she added. “I thought that I was getting my happily ever after and I married a man I thought I loved. But when the novelty of it wore off, I started to think I was just stuck supporting a lazy slob and his demanding children. I tried to make it work anyway, even though I was becoming more and more unhappy every day. Then when I finally went out for an evening with a friend, someone magically impersonated me, attacked Robin and the kids, and everyone thinks I did it. But I didn’t! Then while I was in jail, my husband filed for divorce. He withdrew everything from both of our bank accounts, and now I’m penniless except for what I have hidden in my vault. I still have a car, but in the divorce papers he claims he needs to stay in the house so that he,” she added bitterly, “And his roommates will have a place to live, and he had a restraining order issued against me!”  
Duchess paused and looked up, “What made you like him to begin with?”  
“I wanted my story to have a happy ending, and I found a page from a magical book with a picture of Robin and me kissing. And a fairy once told me that he and I were meant to be together. So I really wanted it to happen, I wanted to be happy. I even cornered the Author and wanted him to write us together. He said the page was one that he had started long ago but never finished.”  
“Perhaps,” Duchess said, “There was a reason the page was ripped out and the story never finished. Perhaps it was too egregious and cruel for even his tastes.”  
“Maybe,” Regina wondered, “Maybe it was torn out for a reason.”  
“You still haven’t told me why you wanted or liked him, other than the opinions of others,” Duchess said, starting to lick her paw.  
“He was so adoring and enthusiastic, and said that we were destined to be together, and that he would help me get my happy ending. The whole thing seems silly now, but it was thrilling and dreamlike at the time.”  
“What else?” the cat asked, continuing to lick her paw clean of tuna water.  
“What else would there be?” Regina asked, wondering what the cat wanted to hear.  
“There must have been something else,” Duchess observed, “Unless you were in heat. That happens.”  
“Well, maybe,” Regina laughed. “Maybe I would like to blame it all on that! But I think I really decided I had to have him to get him away from my sister. And,” she paused, “Because Emma said no.”  
“Would you still have wanted him if Emma had said yes?”  
“I don’t know. That’s a good question. But it really wasn’t a factor because I knew very well that she didn’t. She told me very clearly that she didn’t love me and never would. I don’t know if she loves anyone. She has a boyfriend that she keeps at arms’ length, and doesn’t fully trust her family.”  
“So you married a man you talked yourself into wanting because other people liked the idea, rather than the woman you really loved who didn’t want you?”  
“She didn’t want me. Many times, she’s told me so. You can’t make someone love you, not really. There are potions and coercions, but they’re not the same thing. People just think they are until they wear off, and then they are disappointed and wonder how it ever happened.”  
Duchess stared at her, “Yes,” she agreed, “When love potions wear off, the person affected is despondent and depressed, wondering how they ever found themselves in such a predicament.”  
Regina gasped, “A love spell! My sister!”  
“That would seem likely, given that she is also a powerful witch.”  
“Oh, now I feel truly stupid! And angry at her and angry at myself, and…” she paused and then exclaimed, “How much did Robin know? I used to think he was a pawn in her game, but…” She interrupted herself with horrible thoughts, “But why? Why?”  
“Because she is jealous,” Duchess said softly. “She is not you, and she never will be, though she covets what she cannot steal, and so must be content with destruction.”  
“I feel so embarrassed!”  
“There, there, darling,” Duchess said, rubbing up against her. “Pick me up and let us sit together on the sofa. Pet me, and everything will be better.”  
Regina picked up the soft, fluffy cat, and hugging the long silky fur, carried Duchess over to Mary Margaret’s old sofa, where she sat down. Duchess began to purr, and rubbed her wet little nose against Regina’s cheek, and made very happy noises as she was stroked.   
“Ohh…” Duchess purred, “You are a darling! Emma does not know what she is missing!”  
Regina laughed, “Oddly enough, she doesn’t seem to think that my scratching her behind her head is such a delight.”   
“Have you tried?” Duchess purred, wafting her lovely tail back and forth. “Perhaps if you simply call out sweet words, she will gradually lose her fear of you, and you may pet her from time to time.”  
“Fear! Why would she still be afraid of me?”  
“Still?” Duchess repeated, “Then my dear you already have your answer.”  
“But Duchess, I’ve been nice to her. Truly I have. For Emma and Henry I’ve given up black magic and…” she paused, “All sorts of wicked pastimes. Henry has forgiven me, at least I think he has, but Emma still pushes me away.”  
“Henry is not spooked or injured. When given love or a treat, he will accept it. Emma is like a cat that has had the hose turned on her. It will take a long time for her to come back and trust humans, any humans.”  
“Are you saying I should be patient and keep trying?”  
“You would have to be very patient and keep trying, yes, perhaps forever.”  
“What?”  
“And even then you still may not get what you want, assuming you even know what you want. I have found humans to be very confused in that way.”  
“Hmmm…” Regina mused, as she pet Duchess, who purred loudly and enjoyed her caressing. The door opened, and Mary Margaret walked in. “Hello,” Regina said.  
“Hello…” then she noticed Duchess. “Oh, my! What a beautiful cat! Where did she come from?”  
“I found her outside the door, requesting to come in.”  
“Oh,” Mary Margaret said, and reached forward to pet the lovely cat, but Duchess leapt up and away from her before she could touch her, and hid under a table. “Oh no! I really wanted to pet her!”  
“I gave her a bit of fish earlier, she seemed to like that.”  
“I guess that explains why there’s a plate on the floor,” she laughed. Then she turned back to Duchess, “Oh, you’re such a beautiful kitty! I wish you would let me pet you.” The cat stared back at her intently, listening. “Oh, will you come here?” she called in a very sweet voice. The cat kept staring, and so Mary Margaret just sat there with her hand out, offering it to the cat. Duchess looked like she was seriously considering the option, when the door burst open again, with David, Henry, and Emma entering noisily with books, backpacks, and more. Duchess appeared to panic and scrambled for the exit behind them. Her claws slipped and scraped on the wood floor in her haste to escape. “Oh, guys!” Mary Margaret exclaimed, “You terrified that cat!”  
“Sorry,” David said, “I didn’t even see a cat until it tried to trip me in a frantic attempt to run outside.”  
“Okay, a cat ran away,” Emma said, setting her things down and then sitting on the sofa. “So,” she asked Regina, “When do you want to get your things from the house?”  
“I took your computer and a few other things earlier today,” Henry said, and handed her a bag.   
“How?” Regina asked, taking the bag and looking inside. Her laptop, camera, and checkbook were inside.  
“I still have a key, and nobody has any paperwork saying that I have to stay out,” he said.  
“They will soon enough,” Emma told him, “When they think of it. You will be seen as on the other team.”  
“It’s absurd, really, being forced out of my own home!”  
“It’s only temporary,” David reminded her, “Emma or I can go with you tomorrow to get whatever you need out of the house before Robin is released from the hospital. Once he is you can’t go within two hundred feet of him.”  
“Unreal,” Regina said, “I’m fighting the urge to do something about him…”  
“No, you won’t,” David said, “Don’t do anything! You’ll be hanging a guilty of murder sign around your own neck if you do.”  
“I won’t,” she answered, “But that doesn’t mean it didn’t go through my head.”  
“Well, keep it there,” Emma said, “Unless you want to go back to that jail cell. Let’s just get your stuff tomorrow, and stay away from it until he leaves.”  
“Don’t let anyone see you get angry,” David added, “The heat of the moment will pass, and the townspeople will calm down if you don’t give them anything new to talk about.”  
“And make them convict you on the evidence,” Emma said, “Which they don’t have. There are no bodies, just missing kids, who vanished under his care. His eyewitnesses are all just his friends, a bunch of drunk guys who live in the woods. It will come down to a he-said she-said, and that’s not enough to convict you.”

“Good night, Henry,” Regina said, as she turned out the lights on her son, who was sleeping on someone else’s sofa. She looked around, and saw David and Mary Margaret pulling the curtains between the main area and where they put their bed, and Regina said, “I feel like a bum sleeping on other people’s sofas.”  
“You’re not a bum, Mom,” Henry said, “You’re divorced. Or you will be, anyway.”  
“It’s all embarrassing,” she answered. “Why did I marry him? Why? What was I thinking?”  
“Again, the question every woman getting a divorce asks.”  
“You’re too wise for your age,” Emma said, giving him a quick kiss and starting up the stairs.  
“I’ve had a lot of strange experiences,” he said, “And two childhoods.”  
“Good point,” Emma agreed, and went up the stairs to the loft. Regina followed her, turning off lights as they went. Only the faint glow of a night light remained. Upstairs, starshine came through the windows. Emma lay down on the bed and pulled some blankets up around herself. “Hey,” she said, “Are you going to go to sleep or stare at the window?”  
“Sleep, I suppose. We’re getting up early to move critical items from my house… where?”  
“Depends on how much you want to haul around, I guess. Do you want to store stuff or just leave it over there?”  
“I don’t know. I’ve never done anything like this before,” Regina said, lying down. “It’s all so strange.”  
“What I recommend,” Emma suggested, “Is you take every financial document you can get your hands on, and remove any way he can create debt in your name. Take every piece of jewelry or electronic device. Don’t bother hauling sofas and refrigerators; just take the valuables and your personal items like clothes.”  
“This would be much easier with magic.”  
“Yeah, I’m sure it would be, but no one is going to sign their name on a piece of paper risking taking those bracelets off of you. Know what I mean?”  
“But it’s cruel.”  
“Okay, I can see how you would think that.”  
“Do you think that I would do something evil?”  
“Well,” Emma said, pulling the blankets up around her shoulders and lying on her side, “I can’t always predict your behavior. So why would anyone else?”  
“Emma, I am trying! I’m trying not to do evil things but it’s like everyone assumes I’ll fail.”  
“And the cuffs sort of ensure that you can’t make an epic fail. You’ve done a lot of cursing and ripping people’s hearts out. That’s a bad impression that’s hard to overcome.”  
“I see. So I will always be the Evil Queen. Forever.”  
“Forever is a long time, and frankly, I don’t see most of these people making it that long. They get turned into wooden puppets and winged monkeys a lot.” She put her arm around Regina and kissed her. Her hands went up Regina’s nightgown.  
“Emma!”  
“What?” she laughed mischievously.  
“This place has no doors, just curtains, and this loft is open to the downstairs!”  
“It’s not big enough to have doors.”  
“That’s my point!”  
“Then you’ll have to use your secret power,” Emma laughed softly in her ear.


	6. Goodbye, Poor House

Zelena walked through Regina’s empty house. She put her broomstick in with the other utilities in a very nice room dedicated to such things. “Hmm… spacious,” she smiled, looking around, “But a bit cold. Unimaginative. We need warm and wonderful, and everything that an injured man could desire.” Walking down a hallway, she found a framed picture, the book page that had been torn up and repaired, then immortalized upon the wall and laughed. “That was the silliest, sappiest spell I’ve ever cast, and wonder of amazements, it worked! But poor Robin won’t want many reminders of her, nor do I. However, sent back to my silly sister at the right moment, it could be priceless.”  
The rest of the house was also intriguing, full of little mementos and pictures that would be perfect for jerking Regina around. When Zelena went upstairs into the bedroom her sister had shared with Robin, she laughed. This was going to be incredible fun.

The next morning, David got up early and felt like making omelets. He wasn’t sure why they sounded good, but they did, and he made enough for everyone. His wife and then Henry arose shortly afterward, and joined him in the kitchen. They joked around, drinking juice and coffee, until their noises woke the two upstairs. Emma sat up and said, “Hey, time to get up. The party’s already rolling downstairs.”  
“Something smells good, and I’m hungry.”  
“Do you feel nauseated? I know I did sometimes in the mornings when I was pregnant.”  
“No, not at all. I don’t feel any discomforts related to pregnancy. Quite the opposite, I can feel sort of a golden glow inside, and if I’m alone and very quiet, it’s like a lingering vibration from the Garden.”  
“Well, you’re lucky then, because I know I puked a lot. Anyway, let’s get up.”  
Over at the hospital, Robin was also waking up, and looking forward to leaving. A nurse brought him some paperwork, which she said were court documents related to the divorce. “Such a shame,” she said sadly.   
“Don’t feel too bad,” he said. “She is what she was, and that’s not ever going to change.”  
“Evil?” the nurse asked.  
“You don’t know the half of it.”  
“Pushy, rude, and demanding?”  
“All of that and more,” he said, “She was starting to drive me crazy.”  
“You shouldn’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage,” she said sympathetically. “You deserve a woman who puts you first, and that truly wants for you to be happy. You should be her sun, her moon, and her whole sky.”  
“I had that,” he answered, “And Regina ruined it.”  
“She ruins everything. Do you miss that other woman?”  
“Even though she wasn’t who she originally said she was, she was damn good to me.”  
The nurse sat down on the bed beside him, and whispered in his ear, “I’ve missed you, too.”

Emma pulled up to the house, and said, “Let’s be quick and efficient. There’s no need to drag it out.”  
“If you would just take these irritating cuffs off of me, I could magically alter things in seconds.”  
“You know that’s not going to happen,” Emma sighed. “Just play nice, okay? At least there’s no chain between them.”  
“It’s upsetting to see my house,” Regina said, “And those awful flowers are starting to grow in my garden! They look pretty from a distance, but they’re an invasive weed and smell like rotten fish and dead ass.”  
“Calm down and let’s get this done before Robin gets here, okay?” Emma said. Cash would be the first thing to grab, followed by jewelry, information, and financial records. Emma also suddenly remembered that Henry’s birth certificate was probably in there somewhere, as well as a passport, if Regina had ever applied for one. That would be the first thing to find. She was unpleasantly surprised when the key didn’t work. “What the…” she exclaimed.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“Somebody already changed the locks,” Emma said. “Well, they’re not going to be glad they did,” she added, and went around to the back door, Regina following her. She tried the back door key, and found that lock also changed. “Robin’s Merry Men,” she muttered, and kicked in the door. Regina screamed as the door flew open, the hinges pulled from the frame.   
“How did you do that?” Regina asked.  
“Locks are a formality that keep honest people honest, and a door is only as strong as its hinges and the frame it’s in.”  
“That was…”  
“Wait…” Emma said, “We don’t know how many guys are hiding or passed out in here.” She drew her gun and walked in, Regina behind her. They slowly advanced, through the utility and laundry rooms into the kitchen.  
“The big mess they left me is still here,” Regina noted.  
“Don’t start cleaning it now,” Emma said. “Let’s just find the stuff you actually need and go. Someone’s been in here, and they’ll be back. Robin will be here by late afternoon, to be certain. Let’s not hang around.” She glanced around a corner, and then asked, “Where do you keep stuff like birth certificates?”  
“In my office.”  
“Let’s do that first,” Emma said, leading the way. Finding no one, she told Regina to make a stack of important documents. “This is the first stuff you take,” she said, “Because it costs him time and money to reproduce it, if he can even locate it all. You may not be broke if he didn’t find everything. Gather up the paperwork, I’m going to secure the rest of the house.”  
“All right,” Regina answered, looking away at pictures on the wall.  
Emma carefully examined all the rooms, and found no one. Thinking that was all to the good, but probably temporary, she returned to the office. “Got your stuff?”  
“Yes,” Regina answered, “But this feels surreal, like I’m robbing my own house!”  
“That’s why I’m here to make sure it gets done, and you don’t waste time cleaning the carpet.”  
“It’s too strange…”  
“I’ll take this stuff out to the car, you go upstairs and start bringing down all your clothes and jewelry.”  
Regina climbed the stairs and felt the odd sense of going backward and forward in time. She remembered the first time she had walked up these stairs, and then baby Henry climbing up them, one by one, and becoming stranded because he didn’t yet know how to get back down. Forward, she sensed her daughter, Sophia. She stopped and stood still. Sophia? She liked that name, it meant wisdom. She looked around, and saw Roland’s toys on the floor, and a baby blanket. “I tried,” she said to the ghosts. “I did truly try, but it wasn’t right. I wanted a family, but all I remember from that time is being frustrated, and cleaning up messes, and Robin was the biggest baby of all. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to make it work, but…”  
“Did you get anything done?” Emma exclaimed, seeing Regina talking to the house.  
“Just saying goodbye, and I learned that my baby’s name is Sophia.”  
“Oh, for Pete’s sake! Let’s just grab your stuff and go!”  
With Emma pushing her, Regina moved quickly. She didn’t touch any of Robin’s things, and instead just concentrated on removing her own personal effects as quickly as possible. When Robin returned, finished packing her belongings or not, she was required to leave.  
“Is that everything?” Emma asked. “Do you have anything old-fashioned or romantic, like cash under the mattress, a can of gold coins buried in the yard, or any such stuff that we should get now? Remember, once he’s here, you can’t just take a shovel and start digging up the garden.”  
“No, everything truly valuable or arcane I sealed in my vault.”  
“I never would have thought that was a good thing, but here we are,” Emma said. “Okay, if there’s nothing else, let’s go.”  
“This is just so strange.”  
“Once again, is there anything else we need to bring along? If you remember it later, it’s going to be much more difficult to get.”  
“I don’t know, I don’t think so.”  
“Then we’re done.”  
“My spellbook!”  
“I knew it!”  
“It’s in the study.”  
“Okay, let’s just get it and go,” Emma said with a sigh, and followed Regina into the study. There were shelves full of books, and many of them looked quite old.   
Regina pulled several volumes off of a shelf, and handed them to Emma.   
“We’re not taking your entire set of encyclopedias.”  
“My spellbook expanded year by year,” she said, picking up an old, leather bound volume. This is the book Rumpelstiltskin first gave me when I was learning magic. I found other ones among my mother’s things. I remember finding one of Maleficent’s books…”  
“I’ve got a great idea. Let’s tell Robin that all the books in here are borrowed from Maleficent, and then send her in to get them.”  
“All right, I’ll just take the important ones. But it does irritate me that I can’t do magic with these damnable cuffs on my wrists!”  
“We’ve been through that before,” Emma said, picking up a stack of books and depositing them in the car trunk. “Look,” she told Regina, who was holding more volumes, “I’ve got a bad feeling. Let’s leave now.”  
“All right, if you insist.”   
Emma started the car and backed up onto the street. She was several blocks away from the house when she saw what she was sure was Robin sitting in the passenger seat of a car headed the other way. A flash of red hair in the driver’s seat, and Emma hoped that wasn’t who it looked like it was driving him home.

Regina woke up thinking about apples. Savory baked apples with meat, apple tarts, warm muffins, pies with cinnamon, and simmered down into a sauce with a few cherries and blueberries for color and flavor. Apples eaten plain for their own sake, crisp and easy to fix. Not everything she liked took an hour to prepare, she smiled, seeing Emma still asleep. She tried to go back to sleep, but couldn’t, and so she went downstairs and found an apple in the fridge. Snow White had an aversion to them, but the rest of the family liked having a quick snack. She bit into it, but it didn’t quite soothe her craving. Something was missing. Maybe making it into a pie, she thought. No, it wasn’t a flavor that was missing, it was an element. Magic! A magic apple was what she really wanted, and she knew exactly where they grew, in her own garden. Robin had been discharged from the hospital, so he would be there, and probably with up to twenty Merry Men, having a messy party in her house. But surely, she thought, just sneaking into the garden, and picking some apples would go completely unnoticed. Inspired, she slipped out the door and drove to her old house. It was the magical moment of the night, just after the darkest hour and immediately prior to the dawn, when the world was only in black and white. She left the car running quietly behind some shrubs, and slipped into the garden, holding a bag to put the magic apples in.   
There were cars on the lawn, a trailer in the driveway, and several trucks parked in what was her orchard. Two of them had camper attachments, and she paused, seeing lights inside. The Merry Men had definitely moved in. But using a rusty truck as a shield from the house, she picked the apples as quickly as possible while the world changed from black and white to blue, and then the sun started to rise and bathe the world in color. Finished picking the low hanging apples, she turned and ran, making it back to her car and driving away.  
“That worked,” she smiled to herself, and touched the magic apples in the bag. Magic, she thought, and took a bite from one. The tartness of the apple was mixed with the tingle of magic, and she exclaimed in delight. “Yes, this was what I wanted!” She looked at the accursed anti-magic cuffs on her wrists, and realized that they didn’t just prevent her from casting spells, they were actively draining her of elemental energy, the building blocks of all enchantment. Regina took a deep breath, feeling the magic tingling on her tongue, and started wondering how to obtain more.

Emma awoke to discover Regina gone, and went downstairs, finding her sitting in the kitchen with a bag of apples, savoring one down to the bare core. “Good morning,” Emma said, looking at the apples. “Those must be pretty good to get up in the middle of the night for one.”  
“They’re magical,” Regina confided, “And that’s what I was craving. Not just flavor, but the magic. These cuffs are draining the energy out of me.”  
“And eating a magical apple puts it back?”  
“It does and it doesn’t,” Regina answered. “These accursed cuffs prevent me from channeling the energy into my hands, but,” she blew across the table and lit the candles, “I can try to get around it.”  
“Is that really necessary?”  
“I feel better, more energetic, and my baby needs it.”  
“Where did you get these apples?”  
“From the tree in my garden.”  
“What! You weren’t supposed to go back there!”  
“It’s the only source of magic just hanging on trees!”  
“Then send Henry over with a basket to pick them,” Emma said, “Don’t go over there yourself!”   
“But I need another source of elemental energy. Eating it seems to work nicely, but most forms of it aren’t edible.”  
“Just stay away from the house,” Emma said, hearing the rest of the family awaken.  
“Maybe I’ll pay a visit to Maleficent today,” Regina said, “I’m sure she has something.”  
“Fine, just stay two hundred feet away from Robin at all times!”  
“By the way, what do I get for Date Night?”  
“Uh, I don’t know. I’ll think something up.”


	7. Lily and Maleficent

“Did I do good?” Thalia laughed.  
“I just can’t picture you looking like a goddess,” Henry admitted. “The cat I can see, I totally suspected that from the first. But you as a goddess?”  
“I do occasionally unfrump myself.”  
Henry laughed, “Okay, my mom makes me dress up from time to time, too. But at least she laughs and smiles again, now. Even if we are sleeping over at Grandma’s. It’s kind of fun.”  
“That’s the start we needed.”  
“But a baby?”  
“It’s what she truly wants but thought she could never have. The seraph is a special touch that certainly takes her mind off of her other problems. And do you want her to baby you forever?”  
“Point taken.”  
“Send me a subspace transmission if anything changes,” Thalia said, “I have to check up on a few other places.”  
“Sure.”

The house was spooky looking from the outside, a Victorian style painted in dark colors with a spiked iron fence around the perimeter, and thorny vines twisting around it. There were several malevolent looking trees near the gate that Regina suspected were probably treants set out there to guard against unwanted visitors. Without magic to stop an attack, she didn’t want to get too close.  
“Maleficent!” she called. With magic, she could have simply appeared on the doorstep, but like this she was obliged to wait. “Maleficent!” A raven flew off from the fence and towards the house. Regina sighed, hoping that was one of the sorceress’ familiars, and would deliver a message.  
Then, the treants leaned over, and opened the gates with a tremendous noise of creaking wood and rusty iron. Regina passed through them, and they slammed shut behind her.   
Walking up to the house, she paused, looking at the brass doorknocker. It was in the shape of a prancing satyr, with enormous testicles which served as the knocker. Regina laughed, and wondered whether or not to actually touch them, “I love Maleficent!”  
The door opened at her words, and she walked in, noticing the archaic furnishings and distinctive style. She proceeded cautiously, not knowing which pictures or statues might be set to attack, or which rugs covered a pit trap. “Maleficent?” She paused, hearing a noise beside her, and then a swirl of purple smoke congealed into the sorceress.  
“Regina!” she exclaimed, and embraced her.  
“Maleficent! I’m so happy to see you!”  
“Why didn’t you just materialize in the parlor and make yourself at home?”  
“The townspeople put anti-magic cuffs on me,” Regina said, showing her the ugly bracelets on her wrists.  
“That’s awful! Why did they do that? Why did you let them?”  
“They think I attacked and tried to kill Robin and his children.”  
“Although I can think of plenty of reasons you might want to, did you?”  
“No, but I’m starting to wish I had! Someone impersonated me, attacked him in front of witnesses, stole the children, and so everyone thinks it was me. They slapped these things on my wrists and put me in jail. Then, Robin filed for divorce, and I’m not even allowed to go into my own house!”  
“What? Come into the kitchen and tell me the whole story.”  
Regina followed Maleficent past an enormous stone fireplace, and through a dining hall, into a delightful witch’s kitchen, full of cauldrons bubbling, pots, pantry items, and wide assortment of herbs drying from the ceiling. Something smelled like baking bread, while one of the cauldrons had a tempting brew. Mushroom logs in a dank corner exuded mustiness. “I’ve always loved your décor,” she smiled, “So creative yet homey on a grand scale.”   
“Thank you,” Maleficent smiled, “You should come by and visit more often. But first, have some tea, and tell me everything.”  
Settling down into one of the cushioned chairs, Regina started talking about her hopes for a happily ever after, and how it all went wrong. As she talked, Lily wandered in and out several times, picking up pieces of tart or pie and then going back into the other rooms. She didn’t like Regina, ever since the road trip, and wasn’t thrilled to see her in the house. As far as she was concerned, she was an obnoxious relative of Emma’s. But overhearing Regina’s misfortunes was nicely satisfying, and the part about anti-magic cuffs was definitely interesting, so she listened without speaking. Then Regina started a lengthy description of making love with a goddess in some fairytale garden. The crazy story sounded like some sort of jail cell hallucination to Lily, but of course, her mother Maleficent looked elated at the wild tale, and jumped up to hug Regina and congratulate her when she announced that she was pregnant as a result of her crazy-ass adventure.   
“That’s wonderful!” Maleficent said, “I’m so happy for you! How do you feel?”  
“These infernal cuffs are draining me of magic and I can feel that my baby needs a lot of it. I was wondering if you had anything to help me? Eating magic apples from my tree made me feel better last night, but even if I ate all of them, then what would I do?”  
“Don’t worry,” Maleficent reassured her, “I can make you all kinds of treats, potions, and lotions that will keep elemental energy in your body! You’ll still be hard pressed to cast a spell, but at least your baby will be getting what she needs.”  
Lily rolled her eyes, of course Regina only stopped by when she needed a favor. The whole time she’d been romancing her loser boyfriend, she hadn’t bothered to visit. But her mother was a sentimental sap, who was happy to have someone to listen to her ramble on and on about her latest flower draught or magic mushroom soufflé. Then, not only did she pack Regina a picnic basket full of magic items, she gave them away for free, and promised more goodies to come. After their visitor had gone, Lily confronted her.  
“Really, Mom? Really? She ignored you for more than a year, and then when she has a problem, she shows up.”  
“We have a complicated history, Lily.”  
Lily looked disgusted, and put up her hand, “Ugh! Spare me your creepy lesbo tragedy. I don’t want to know, I really don’t. I’ve already seen enough of that woman to last a lifetime, and the thought that she was with you as well as Emma makes me sick.”  
“A lot of what happened was my fault.”  
“And you have to make up for it now, by giving her lots of free stuff, offering her a place to stay, and getting all excited about her problems? You agreed to go sneak into her house and steal her books back? Why are you risking anything for her? I do not want her living here with us! If she moves in, I’m moving out!”  
“She was a student of mine, and I taught her the wrong things. I was so impressed that I could do them, I never stopped to think whether or not I should, and I created an evil sorceress. That much is my fault.”  
“Why do you do that?”  
“What?”  
“Take responsibility for other people’s bad choices and then forgive them for it? That’s insane.”  
“Hanging on to anger only hurts you, Lily. Forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for me, and taking responsibility for what happens makes me more powerful, not less.”  
“Ugh! I’ve heard enough! More than enough for one day! I’m going into town for a drink, and to hang out for a while.”  
“Be careful.”  
“I’ll be fine.”  
Maleficent watched her leave, and sighed. Darkness could be managed, but impulsiveness and poor decision making had a way of tempting fate or the gods to beat it out of a person.

Emma returned home, along with David and Henry, to the now very crowded loft apartment. It had been adequate when it was just herself and Mary Margaret, but now there simply wasn’t much space, and Regina had a way of claiming all the real estate around her. Emma found her upstairs in the loft area, sitting on the bed and eating some sort of tart. She had a basket of goodies with her.  
“Hey, what did you do? Steal some camper’s picnic basket?”  
“Hardly. I went to visit Maleficent, and she gave me some enchanted items to help me endure this anti-magical imprisonment.”  
“Hey, great. How’s she getting on with Lily? I see Lily around in town, but I almost never see Maleficent.”  
“She’s always been a recluse, and very shy around people, especially in large groups. She’s not really a human. She’s a dark fairy, and feels xenophobic around humans. You wouldn’t guess it, but people scare her more than she scares them.”  
“No, I sure wouldn’t have guessed that, but that explains why she hides alone in her house,” Emma said, watching Regina bite into a delicious looking stuffed mushroom. “That looks really, really good,” she said.  
“Mmm… it is.”  
Emma waited, watching her savor it, and then said, “Hey, there, Your Majesty, how about sharing?”  
Regina looked shocked for a moment, and then evasive. “These are magical, I need to portion them out.”  
“And you can’t spare one bite?”  
“Oh, okay,” she said, passing the mushroom to Emma.   
It smelled wonderful, and tasted even better. “Oh my God, what did she stuff these with? It’s awesome,” she said, and took another bite.  
“Emma!”  
“What? I thought you suddenly grasped the concept of sharing, instead of hiding and gorging, like a kid with a bag of stolen Halloween candy.”  
“Don’t eat that much! Remember they’re magical!”  
“Mmmm…” Emma said, and taking a last big bite, handed it back to Regina. “Really, you can’t spare any more than that?”  
“Wait and see how you feel,” she answered.   
“Fine,” Emma said, and lay down on the bed to rest. “What else is in that basket?”  
“Everything in here is very potent, and is meant to put enchanted energy back into my body, so that my baby develops properly.”  
“Lots of babies are born every day whose mothers weren’t taking magical supplements,” Emma said.  
“Very few of them were the products of divine conception.”  
“Oh, yeah, that.”  
“Emma, you believe me, don’t you?”  
“I believe you’re pregnant.”  
“Emma, I need for you to believe me.”  
“Why?”  
“I’ve taught you magic. Why won’t you trust me on this?”  
“It’s just a little much, you know?”  
“So you do think I’m crazy,” Regina said softly. “I was hoping you trusted me enough to believe me.”  
“I’m sure you could talk Henry and Mary Margaret into believing your story pretty easily.”   
“They do.”  
Emma thought aloud, “It seems like there could be a more reasonable explanation, like somebody did visit you in jail. Somebody with a lot of magical power, like Gold or Maleficent.”  
“Gold wouldn’t have done that.”  
“But Maleficent would, and David inadvertently tipped her off that you were there. Maybe she visited that night and you got so zonked on whatever enchanted goodies she fed you that you hallucinated vividly. That also explains the beautiful, cozy outfit and blankets, plus the thoughtful gesture of flowers. Those are what make me think it was her and not Gold.”  
“I see.”  
“But I don’t want to start asking them about it until I know exactly what questions to ask.”  
“Maleficent didn’t know anything about my experience in the Garden with the Lady until I told her about it this afternoon.”  
“Okay, you tipped her off,” Emma sighed, and then changed the subject. “So if Maleficent is a fairy, why doesn’t she ever talk to the other fairies?”  
“The other fairies don’t like her, especially the Blue Fairy, and don’t invite her to their fairy parties.”  
“Emma! Regina! Dinner’s ready!”  
“Be right down,” Emma called, “All that and Snow White makes us dinner.”  
Regina laughed, “Yes, everyone does have their own part in the story, don’t they?”  
“Am I imagining it, or were those magic mushrooms in a more traditional sense?”  
“I told you not to eat too much.”  
“Any might be too much.”  
“Oh, ye foolhardy innocent who gobbled down magical stuffed mushrooms sent over by an evil, fey sorceress.”  
“Put that way, it doesn’t seem like such a great idea. Wait, why would she be giving something like that to you? Aren’t they supposed to be snacks for a pregnant lady?”  
“They are. Just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s bad for you, and just because someone is evil doesn’t mean that they’re dangerous to you.”  
“Uh huh.”  
“So… tonight is Date Night. Where are we going?”  
“I’ll let you know after dinner, if I come down from whatever weird high I’m on.”

Robin was still a little woozy from the pain meds, but he was mostly able to get up and move around again, especially with Zelena’s help. She brought him anything and everything he might need, before he even thought of it himself. He was sitting on the sofa, and she was next to him, cuddling up in a blanket. Of course, he thought, there was no TV to watch, Regina wouldn’t allow that in her living room. She hadn’t let him have his bow and arrows, friends, or beer, either. “I’ve missed you,” he said to Zelena. “This house is okay, but it’s better without her in it.”  
“She’s selfish,” Zelena said. “Never in her entire life has she spared a thought for anyone else, and this isn’t the first time she’s killed family members. She killed her first husband, Snow White’s father Leopold, and she tried to kill Snow White. Everyone knows about that, so why are they surprised that she did it again?”  
“I should have seen that coming,” he said. “I feel so blind!”  
“Don’t blame yourself. She’s the Evil Queen.”  
“She’s pregnant, too. She pushed my kids out of the nest to make more room for her own. She’s so freaking evil!”  
“But what can we do about that?”  
“If she’s evil and crazy and everyone knows about it, we can just take the baby away from her.”  
“I would like that very much. That’s what she did to me.”  
“I’m so sorry, I should have seen through her, I should have known!”  
“It’s not your fault, I know. But I want to make her pay for her cruelty.”  
“It won’t be hard. From what I heard, she’s making everyone think she’s insane, babbling about her baby being a god, or something.”  
“Which is absurd,” Zelena said. “It’s equally ridiculous that they let her out of jail.”  
“They put some sort of anti-magic cuffs on her and she went to live with Snow White and her family. Amazing, isn’t it? They’re even letting her sleep with their daughter! She was always sneaking away to indulge in that, and then lying about it.”  
“She is and was a monster, full of wickedness and twisted desires.” She leaned forward and kissed him, “Tell me if I’m leaning in on a wound,” she said.  
“I’ll shout if you put pressure on the wrong spots.”  
“You know,” she smiled, “We can be together without anyone knowing. I can also take any form you want me to have. What would you like me to look like tonight?”  
“The absolute opposite of Regina. Blonde, big boobs, different face.”  
“Okay,” she laughed, “How about this?” She transformed into a curvy, golden haired twenty year old woman. “How’s this? I’m Jayme!”  
“My ex-wife did what with huh now?” he laughed.   
Zelena got down on her knees and started to kiss his thighs. “We’ll have more fun than she ever could. Remember when we used to play Wishy-Wishy?”  
“Oh yeah! And you would let me pick out any movie or picture for us to do. That was fantastic! There sure wasn’t any watching porn or having fun with the Evil Queen!”  
“How selfish! You should get to watch and do whatever you want. Especially since she was having an affair with her own step-granddaughter! How hypocritical and perverted can anyone be?”  
“When I showed her the gag, cuffs, and tube of lube she jumped up so far she was stuck to the ceiling like a paranoid cat!”  
“I would have loved to see that!” Zelena laughed, nearly falling over. “Now we can play Wishy-Wishy with transformations. Our fun can be unlimited. I want you to think of something really wild. Then I want you to think of something we can do to the Evil Queen. Something lots of fun for us, but not necessarily for her.”  
“She wasn’t much fun. We have early tonight to ourselves, but I told my men they could stay here as long as I have the house,” Robin said. “Do you mind my friends crashing out here? I had them sign fake lease agreements and put them in the divorce plea.”  
“I don’t mind,” Zelena said, pushing his knees apart, and flicking her tongue tantalizingly. “I’d be honored for your friends to stay with us.”  
“Right on,” he smiled, staring at the lovely lips and tongue pleasuring him.   
“Do you mind if I go out and get a few things once your friends get here? They can help you in case you need something while I’m gone.”  
“Yeah, sure, do whatever you need to do.”

“I have an idea,” David smiled after dinner, “Instead of Mary Margaret always doing the dishes, how about we play a game of Hearts? Whoever loses gets the dishes.”  
Emma was feeling a pleasant buzz, so she agreed to David’s goofy plan. The first game was to make sure everyone knew how to play. The second one was for the dishes. Mary Margaret lost.  
“Hey!” she exclaimed.  
“We played twice,” David said, “And you lost both times!”  
“Another night of doing the dishes for me,” Mary Margaret said.  
“We can play again tomorrow night,” Henry said, “Someone else is bound to lose.”  
“How about one more game?” Mary Margaret said. “After all, I did make dinner. If I lose the next round, I’ll do the dishes without complaining, but I’m feeling a little overused, here.”  
“Okay,” David and Henry agreed, and so Emma and Regina were obligated to stay as well for one more round of Hearts. Emma lost.  
“Okay, I guess I’m doing the dishes,” she said, as she noticed everyone else scatter. “Nice,” she said, and after putting away the cards, started scraping plates.   
“If these anti-magic cuffs were off, I could simply zap them done.”  
Emma looked up to see Regina standing beside her. “Nice try. How about a magic wand?” she said, and handed her a pot scrubber.  
“This is really not how I had hoped our evening might go.”  
“If you help me, it gets done a lot faster.”  
“Yes, I realize that,” she answered, and helped Emma wash the dishes and then clean up the kitchen.

When the first of Robin’s friends arrived, Zelena asked Robin if he needed anything else, and since he didn’t, she told him she needed to run some quick errands. Leaving the guys downstairs, she climbed up a trapdoor into the attic and began to set up her magical implements. Traveling light, she had brought only her broomstick and a big crystal ball for scrying. Waving her broomstick over the crystal, various scenes from the town came into view, and then she narrowed in on what she wanted. “A dingy little dump,” she laughed, as she looked at the interior of Snow White and Prince Charming’s apartment. But she ignored them for the time being, and focused on Emma, who was loading the dishwasher while Regina swept the floor. “Think,” she whispered softly, as if into Emma’s ear, “Think. There she is, your creepy step-grandmother, full of twisted and perverted desires. Think, and shudder at her touch.”

“Let’s go for a walk,” Emma said.  
Regina followed her, and hoped her evening was going to improve. “Where are we going?”  
“For a walk.”  
“Anywhere in particular?”  
“I just wanted to talk to you where the rest of the family can’t hear.”  
“About what?”  
“Didn’t you feel a little weird in there? I mean, all of us together?”  
“Not really. I felt a little hint of moralizing from Snow White and David as in ‘This is how we play Hearts nicely instead of ripping them out of people,’ but other than that, no. No more than the slight bit of silliness that came from whatever was in Maleficent’s treats. I felt fine.”  
“More like weird if they knew that you and I were together.”  
“They already know, Emma.”  
“What! Oh my God! Since when?”  
“Since before we went on our road trip. Henry has been scheming to get us together for years.”  
“He’s a kid, it all works great from his perspective. Don’t you feel a little strange? I mean, you’re Mary Margaret’s stepmother! Doesn’t it seem sort of creepy?”  
“Why would it feel creepy?”  
“Because… just sitting there at the table with you, our son, and my parents has a dissociative weirdness to it, and the thought that they knew there was something between us freaks me out.”  
“You’re the only one who is freaked out. There are law ties, but not blood ones. What is the problem?”  
“I just didn’t feel right about us; like maybe we shouldn’t be together.”  
“Why? Emma, it’s not like they even raised you, and we’re not blood relatives! We only met because Henry went out and found you, and we share a child together. And if magic weren’t involved, this situation couldn’t even normally occur!”  
“I just felt totally weirded out in there. I mean the whole happy family thing…”  
Regina gave her a small shove. “There! How does it feel to have someone push you away?”  
“Hey!”  
“That’s what you’re always doing to me. Just because you grew up without any sort of family connection doesn’t mean you have to ruin every other relationship!” Then she turned around and started walking back the way they came. Emma followed her.  
“It’s not you, it’s me…”  
Regina kept walking, “Oh yes, I’m well aware of you and your walls. But do you know what really irritates me? You made me clean the kitchen with you first!”  
“I’m sorry, I just don’t form relationships easily, and…”  
“Okay, you define our relationship. What are we?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“Choose. We can be together as lovers or just be friends who share a child, or you can see me as Snow White’s stepmother, but you don’t get to veer back and forth and then blame me for it. That’s not fair.”  
“I’m not blaming you.”  
“If you saw me as your step-grandmother and didn’t want any more of a relationship than that, why didn’t you say so in the first place? How did we get here?”  
“I don’t know! I’m not good at relationships.”  
“Yes, that again. We’ve been through that before. Thank you for a disturbing date night, Miss Swan. I’m going out.”  
“What? Where?”  
“I don’t know, I’ll find out when I get there.”  
“Wait, I’ll come with you.”  
“No,” she said calmly, “I don’t want you to come with me. You need to sort things out in your own head. I was happy before you ever came to this town, and I let you into my life. If all you do is cause aggravation and grief, why would I want to keep that going? I can be unhappy anywhere, it doesn’t have to be with you. So sort it out.”  
“Hey, I didn’t think all this up.”  
“Figure yourself out, and ask yourself why you always sabotage your relationships.” She turned and walked away again, hoping Emma wouldn’t follow her. She wanted a few hours alone to figure herself out. What did she want? She had known earlier, but if Emma was always going to push her away, then ultimately, there was no point in trying to uphold a relationship like that. Emma’s pirate boyfriend had been trying for several years, and she hadn’t yet committed to him, either. Maybe Emma really was broken, damaged, or a lone wolf who was unable to stay in the pack.   
So she walked down the quiet streets, and wandered through the park at night, blending in with the shades and darkness, and thought about things as she listened to the stillness. She sat down alone and took a deep breath, and then blew at some leaves. They shook and sparkled, but then were still again. The cuffs on her wrists were still preventing her from doing any real magic. Stupid townspeople, she thought. Then she decided to go to her vault and see if perhaps she had something useful, maybe even a way to defeat the anti-magic cuffs. She was looking through some old scrolls when she heard footsteps.  
“Who’s there?”  
“Oh, don’t mind me,” an old woman with crooked glasses and a daisy on her straw hat said, “I’m just a creepy old lady who likes hanging out in cemeteries. After all, you never know when a funeral might break out.”   
“How did you get down here?” Regina asked, as the old woman started peeking through drawers and boxes. “Stop that! What are you doing?”  
“Easter-eggin’ around for goodies,” she laughed, easily dodging Regina’s grasp, the daisy on her hat bobbing up and down. “Look at all these nasty treasures!” She popped a magic bean in her mouth and then spat it back out. “Phtoo! That tasted like ass.”  
“Get out of here!” She tried to stop the woman from rifling through things, but she was impossibly quick, and managed to slip past her, only to start hopping up and down with excitement upon discovering Regina’s collection of hearts.  
“Oh, my favorite! Valentines!” she cackled, peeping into some boxes.  
“Oh, no, no!” Regina exclaimed, trying to stop the old woman from grabbing any. She finally seized one of her wrists, and was surprised to discover how strong she was.  
“You know, it’s not as convenient as it might at first seem to die in a cemetery,” she said, “And without magic, you can’t even stop an old crazy lady. Maybe you shouldn’t be down here alone. Especially at night.”  
Regina let go of her and asked, “Who are you?”  
“Someone who is about to do you a favor,” she answered, and pointed at one of the walls, where an image of the town appeared, “Watch.”  
The scene shifted to the interior of a downtown bar. “The Charmings shouldn’t get away with what they’ve done,” a blond stranger said to Lily, who was drinking a beer. “They threw you in a wormhole, and that diabolical Evil Queen kills her stepchildren, and is walking around free! What the hell, man?”  
“She wouldn’t be if she weren’t the mayor, and her family the police department.”  
“That’s my point! We can take revenge ourselves. I know a thief and some Merry Men who would love to get their hands on her in the dark.”  
“What do you plan on doing with her then?”  
“At least beat her as badly as she beat Robin, and put her in the hospital. Maybe much more.”  
“Yeah, but I want to wrap my talons around Snow White and her husband, and tear them apart. It still burns me that my mother just decides to embrace some annoying philosophy of forgiveness.”  
“I can help you with that, if sudden dismemberment is really your thing. Wouldn’t you rather make them suffer, the way they made you suffer? How about something fair? A quick death is too good for them.”  
“I’ll think about it,” Lily answered.   
“Let me know,” the blond woman said. “I’m Jayme. You can send a message through any one of Robin’s guys.”  
“Yeah, sure,” Lily said, and watched the woman walk away.  
“Does walking around alone at night still sound like a good plan?” the old woman asked.  
“Lily wouldn’t dare,” Regina said.  
“Ah, but that’s not the one you need to worry about,” she answered, and the scene shifted to the attic of Regina’s house, where Jayme and several young women were gathered around a large crystal ball.  
“Who are they?”  
“Look closer,” she said, and the young women shifted back into their true forms; Zelena and three winged monkeys.  
“She’s back! The creatures that attacked Robin were winged monkeys shape changed!”  
“Yes. But she doesn’t know that you’re aware of her, so use that knowledge wisely. Now you also know what sort of pleasures they’re planning for you in the dark.”  
“But I’ve got these awful cuffs on! I have no chance of defending myself!”  
“You’re a declawed cat. So now that you’ve seen the skunks and weasels, you would be well advised to avoid them. You can’t overpower them, so you’ll have to outwit them.”  
Regina watched the attic scene and was about to ask more questions when she heard the unnerving sound of many feet entering the vault, and men’s voices.  
“Now,” the old woman said, changing the scenery on the wall to the stairwell in Mary Margaret’s apartment building, “Step on through, it’s just a dimension door.”  
“But,” Regina hesitated.  
“Don’t worry about me, I’m about to have some grand fun. Go on, I won’t let them wreck your stuff!”  
Stepping through the portal, Regina was just outside Snow White’s apartment, and before it closed, she heard the old woman’s cackle mixed with terrified yelps and shouts. Opening the door, she slipped inside, the rest of the family asleep. Tomorrow she would have to tell them that Zelena was back, and no one was going to be happy about it.

Lily hung around in the bar, hoping her night would improve, and it did. She played pool with a few guys, and really hit it off with one of them. Taking him back to her place wasn’t even an option, but she could go back to his. Then he admitted that he didn’t really have a place of his own, he was staying with friends in a nice house.  
“That’s okay,” Lily said, and rode with him in his truck back to the place he was crashed at. She wasn’t as suspicious as she would have been in any other town. After all, she thought, who’s going to win if she got angry and turned into a dragon? She was pleasantly surprised when he pulled up in front of a mansion, and not a Maleficent-style gothic fortress, but somewhere modern and normal. “Hey,” she said, “This is sweet.”  
“Yeah, we’re hanging out here until we get evicted.”   
Lily had done that before, “Yeah, there’s no rent like free rent,” she said.  
“Sure beats living in the woods,” he added.   
She went inside with him and looked around. “Hey,” she exclaimed, “This is a really nice place.” Except for a couple of guys passed out on the floor, she thought.  
“Sorry about my bummy buddies,” he laughed, “They got into the liquor cabinet and partied themselves into a coma.”  
“Yeah, I guess.” She followed him further into the house, and found an injured man lying on a sofa while the blond from the bar, Jayme, waited on him. “Hi.”  
“Oh, hi,” she said, “This is Robin. He just got out of the hospital. You and Nobby can have one of the bedrooms upstairs. If it’s full of Merry Men, just throw them out.”  
“Nobby?” she asked the cute guy she was with.  
“My name is Peter Knobs,” he explained. “Thanks, guys, for the decloaking.”  
Jayme laughed, “Hey, I said you could have one of the bedrooms, and I’ll back you up if those guys bitch and moan too much.”  
“We shouldn’t have too much trouble,” Nobby told her and holding Lily’s hand, they went upstairs. They did have to toss out some Merry Men who were smoking cigarettes and drinking beer, but they could do that downstairs in the kitchen, so out they went.  
Lily partied well into the morning, when she finally fell asleep in someone else’s very nice bed.

As the weeks rolled by, Lily had no intentions of going home. Let her mother sit there in her fortress and talk to birds and plants. Hanging out at Robin and Jayme’s place with the Merry Men was a lot of fun. They did whatever they wanted, and when four new girls showed up, she wasn’t too surprised. The pot, liquor, and awesome magical potions flowed freely both day and night. It was the best time she’d had in years, until Maleficent knocked on the door.  
“Oh shit!” a Merry Man shouted, looking out the window. “It’s Maleficent! What do we do?”  
“Hide!” answered one of his friends, “Or freakin’ run for it!”  
“Somebody go find Lily or Robin,” another answered, and they scattered to either escape or go find someone else to open up the front door.  
One of the Merry Men banged on the bedroom door Lily and Nobby shared, until Lily opened it.  
“What the hell do you want?” she asked.  
“Your mom’s at the door.”  
“You didn’t let her in, did you?”  
“Oh, hell no!” he answered.  
“Good. Tell her to go away.”  
“No way. Nobody’s going to answer it. She ain’t here to talk to us.”  
“Ah, shit,” Lily snapped, and went down the stairs to the front door. Opening it up, she saw Maleficent standing there. “Ugh! What do you want?”  
“Someone told me you were staying here, and I stopped by to say hello. And to pick up some of my books that Regina borrowed.”  
“Of course, on an errand for the Evil Queen.”  
“May I come in?”  
“Everyone but her and the Charmings do.”  
Maleficent looked around at the mess. Furniture had been moved, altered, or broken. Tents and blanket forts had been constructed in corners and closet doors had been taken off to be repurposed. Trash was piling up everywhere, and there was a sour smell that wasn’t very nice. “Lily,” she said, “This is Regina’s house. It isn’t becoming to destroy someone else’s home. She’s been gone a month and this place is a disaster!”  
“Crap, did the Charmings give you a job as the health inspector or what?”   
“No, I’m just here to get the books and talk to you.”  
“Well, I’m doing great.”  
“Lily, bad things always happen in situations like this.”  
“I’m fine, and the people here are a lot of fun. It’s much better than drinking tea in the parlor.”  
“I suppose you do think that now,” Maleficent said, walking carefully over some junk, “But this isn’t going to last. Eventually Regina will get her house back, and these people will all be gone.”  
“Maybe I’ll move with them, and Her Royal Highness can enjoy her new decor.”  
Maleficent shook her head, and walked down a hallway, noticing that part of the stair railing was broken off. She found the study, which being full of books, had only been used as sleeping quarters. A few volumes had been moved around, used as weights or to make something to put drinks on. Two men were asleep on the floor; liquor bottles, cans used as ashtrays, and junk food wrappers by their heads. She created a swirl of glittering smoke from her hand, and it settled onto the books, which then vanished. Only a mess was left.  
“So, those were all your books?”   
“Somehow I don’t think they’re going to be missed.”  
“So, then technically you just robbed the place.”  
“Then yes, Lily, they were all my books.”  
“Sure.”  
“You can come home whenever you wish, but do not bring any of these people with you.”  
“Don’t wait up,” Lily snapped, as Maleficent vanished in a swirl of green light.


	8. Who Loves Who?

When Henry next met Thalia at Granny’s, he was surprised to see that she was not alone. There was a beautiful blond woman with her. Henry smiled and sat down, and the lovely stranger smiled back at him.  
“Hi Henry,” Thalia said, “This is my sister Melpomene. She insisted upon helping.”  
“We work best together,” Melpomene smiled, putting her arm around Thalia, “I love my sister.”  
Henry smiled as Thalia rolled her eyes and said, “She loves to wreck my stuff.”  
“I take offense at that! I don’t wreck anything,” Melpomene said, “I add depth, flavor, nuance, and ironic twists to what otherwise can be your too-sweet little comedic episodes. No, no, no, we can’t have that! What do you think, Henry?” she smiled, leaning her head on her older, much frumpier sister’s shoulder.   
“Uh, yeah. Okay,” he smiled.  
“Yes!” Melpomene said, “I’m on the team!”  
“Hooray,” Thalia said dryly, sipping her coffee. Yes, the world did love a good tragicomedy, but the people it happened to didn’t necessarily appreciate it.

“Hey,” Emma said, going up into the loft attic that she shared with Regina. The Evil Queen was sitting on their bed eating something delectable from the enchanted picnic basket. “Can we talk?”  
“Am I going to enjoy it?” Regina asked.  
“I don’t know. You asked me to sort things out and I tried but I just got all tangled up worse than before. I don’t know what I want. I didn’t know what I wanted when I came to this town, and I still don’t. All kinds of things have happened to me, and I’ve found a family I not only never knew existed but that I never suspected could exist. I’m sort of confused. I don’t know.”  
“So, you interrupted my solitary pleasure of savoring an enchanted strawberry tart to tell me that you don’t know anything and have figured nothing out?”  
“Put that way, I have figured out that I’m working on it, and,” Emma sat down beside her, “I want to apologize, and to definitely let you know that it’s not your fault, it’s mine.”  
“Then it’s your responsibility to untangle your emotions.”  
“Are you cool with the way things are?”  
“What?”  
“I mean, what we were sort of doing. We were both seeing guys but also each other.”  
“Is that what you want? The affair you said you couldn’t give me because you could never tell me that you loved me in the morning?”  
“When you were married that made sense.”  
“Which part?”  
“The guys, I guess.”  
“Would they be the center or the periphery?”  
“Look, I don’t know. It’s hard enough when you meet somebody and try to make something work, and it turns out that he’s an evil flying monkey. And even harder if you’re lured into a magical hidden town by a child you gave up for adoption years ago, where your parents are younger than you and a beautiful woman who says she loves you is not only an evil queen, but your step-grandmother. That and already sharing said child with the beautiful woman, who by the way says she’s pregnant because of divine conception.”  
Regina smiled, “And there’s more.”  
“Oh yeah. The beautiful woman cursed the whole town, so that they have to live there, and there’s this guy who calls himself the Dark One and plots some sort of end game…”  
“And?”  
“Wild stuff from Neverland and a witty pirate in the same town where all the others live and there’s this diner run by werewolves. There are other realms, fairies and mermaids, and ice queens, and chicks who turn themselves into dragons. A wooden puppet…”  
“With…” she laughed, setting down the basket.  
“Monsters who want to burn down the whole town and a bunch of other freaky-ass people who do random crazy stuff and…”  
“Don’t forget the misleading storybook that makes people think things should be one way and find out they are something else entirely, and a famous thief who cheats the queen by pulling a magic picture out of his ass.”  
Emma laughed with her, “I guess that’s why Henry thought we should stop hurting each other and get together.”  
“His world works much better when we’re together.”  
“Do you really want that?”  
“You’re still asking me this question?”   
Emma kissed her, and said, “Is this what you still want?”  
“Only if you’re going to love me and be consistent about it. If you’re going to pull me closer one day and then push me away the next, no. And it really did hurt me that you had two previous girlfriends and refused to even consider having a relationship with me.”  
“I never meant to hurt you. Even when I first came to this town, it was never my intention to change your life. And I’m terrible at this sort of thing, but I do love you, Regina.”  
“It took you a long time to say that.”  
“I guess I thought I was showing it in the things I did. I always did think that actions spoke louder than words.”   
“But words are needed to define. Actions create a center, but not a boundary.”  
“Yeah, I guess so,” Emma said, “I’m just so damn confused about how it all works.”  
“Emma, you’ll risk your life for me but you won’t say that you love me?”  
“I don’t like the “L” word. It means lies, manipulation, and deceit, and “You have to do certain activities with me whenever I want.”   
“Emma, you need boundaries. You need to know where you start, stop, and where other people begin.”  
“I don’t get it. I know that you’re special and that we’re tied together somehow and that when we have sex you make me feel really good.”  
“That’s a start.”  
“Sometimes I think that I should have just accepted your offer of living together back when we were on our road trip. Then at least if it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t always wonder what it would have been like if I had tried.”  
“It’s not too late.”  
“It’s like that’s so nice and easy, and I know that’s what you and Henry want, but I’ve got these sharp edges that cut when I get too close. And what about the others? I like my pirate. You’re pregnant. There’s probably something else I don’t even know about.”  
“There’s a lot of issues we need to discuss if we’re going to get together and make it work, and it won’t be easy or quick,” she said, and put her arms around Emma, “But I think it’s worth trying. Like you said, we won’t always wonder.”  
“But Regina, I’m a lone wolf. There’s only just so much people I can take.”  
“You can have your space. I need mine, too. I have issues you haven’t even begun to imagine.”

Zelena was spying on the Charming household and feeling sick. Charming and Snow White were sitting on their couch, looking adoringly at one another, while Emma and Regina were kissing upstairs. “Are they nauseating or what?” she asked the flying monkey in the form of a girl beside her. “No wonder Cora married that silly sap to an old man for power. Why didn’t Regina just seize the throne and then find girls to love? Well, no matter, we’ve got things to do, and I still can’t break Maleficent’s magic. What does that wingless druggie of a fairy use as a protection spell? I wanted to curse Regina’s little brat but the weird faerie enchantments in those goodie baskets she’s eating are bunging it up. Then again, maybe I don’t even need to? Who knows what other Charmings or less-than-Charmings she’s been with! We need to pay a visit to Gold, as well, and find out what old Rumple is up to. It will be a cold day in hell when he’s not up to something.”  
Then she paused, still feeling sick while looking at the exterior of Gold’s shop in her crystal ball. Realizing that she wasn’t nauseated because of the Charming family’s sickening sweetness, she said, “Wait, perhaps a truly extraordinary situation has occurred.”

Rumpelstiltskin too found it difficult to pierce Maleficent’s magic. She used faerie enchantments that were odd and flowery, to his thinking. Although he personally detested being spied upon, Rumpelstiltskin considered looking through his Big Book of Favors good business. Whenever Belle wasn’t likely to catch him, he took the well-worn, brown leather volume marked Accounts Receivable on the cover, down off the shelf and opened it up. Almost everyone owed him at least one favor. Better yet, if they owed him several, he had a two-page full color illustration and the picture changed depending upon whatever they were doing at the time. Hence, late evening was the most interesting time to check up on people. Maleficent still owed him a big favor for bringing her back from the ashes, but her spells made spying difficult. All he could see was the exterior of her house and her gardening activities. Opening up the weighty tome, he thumbed through. Plenty of people doing odd things, but he’d seen the same guys scratching their butts or doing their toilet dance dozens of times. He flipped through the pages some more. Charming and Snow White kissing; did they ever stop? Ruby the Werewolf getting into a Merry Man’s truck. Rumple shook his head. There was a blight than only kept getting bigger. Next was Robin Hood sitting in the kitchen of Regina’s house with several of his Merry Men, drinking beer and throwing the empty cans out the window. He flipped the page to see Zelena staring into an enormous crystal ball and cackling with her winged monkeys who were in the shape of young women in short skirts and revealing tops. “Ho, ho,” he laughed, “What have we here? A party of sorts?” He spied on Zelena spying, and thought he recognized one of the girls- she had been smoking with Ruby the werewolf and Lily out in front of his shop several days before. Could it be? That was something to watch for, although it would explain a lot, he thought. He flipped through a few more pages, and saw Maleficent out gathering mushrooms, toadstools, and other forms of fungus that grew on trees and from the ground. “Please don’t poison yourself again!” he exclaimed.  
“Rumple?” Belle called from upstairs.  
“I’m almost done putting things away,” he called.   
“Should I make a snack?”  
“Yes, dear, a little something sweet and a nice drink would be just the thing.”  
He flipped through more pages, and found Regina and Emma having a little party of their own. “Ah, lovely,” he smiled, and tingled a little looking at the Evil Queen lying on her back with her cuffed hands over her head. “Oh hoo, that really takes you somewhere, doesn’t it?”  
“Rumple? Snacks are ready.”  
He jumped, and flipped the page back to mushroom-gathering as Belle came down the basement stairs. He looked up and then back down at the page. Maleficent was standing in a fairy circle of toadstools that resembled erect penises bent at odd angles. She was smiling at him with a mushroom in one hand and a knife in the other. “Aaahh!!” he jumped and slammed the book shut.   
“Rumple?” Belle asked, entering the room, “Aren’t you done yet?”  
“Oh, quite done for the evening!” he exclaimed, putting the book back on the shelf and following her up the stairs.

After toadstool-gathering, Maleficent was smoking a mixture of red clover, blue roses, pipeweed and dried up magic mushrooms, staring into her fireplace. When she could see the elementals form and dance in the flames, she shifted her gaze into the crystal ball at the end of her staff, and said, “What was Rumpelstiltskin doing, spying on me?”   
The crystal showed her an image of him reading through his Big Book of Favors, and the moving pictures of Emma and Regina. “He just never changes,” she said, shaking her head. When his wife called him to bed, and he hid his Big Book of Spying, Maleficent laughed so hard she almost fell off her chair. Then she asked the crystal, “Who else is watching?”  
The crystal went cloudy and then showed her two girls staring into a large crystal ball. One was curvy, cute and blond, the other was plump and brunette. “Oh my!” Maleficent laughed, “Whatever do we have here? Pretties playing with the largest crystal ball I’ve ever seen? Not that I’d ever use a behemoth like that for anything but scrying. Very limiting, but a wonderful conversation piece. Who are these little tidbits?” She watched the two girls play with the crystal ball, and noticed that the blond was unusually adept at casting spells. “I’ll be checking back on you,” Maleficent said as she set her staff aside, and pulled a warm blanket up over herself. “I’ve got to quit smoking that magical blossom mix so early in the evening,” she mumbled. Then she fell asleep.


	9. Maleficent's Love Slave

Curious about what was happening in her absence, Regina decided to drive past her house, and was devastated by what she saw. In addition to the Merry Men’s trailers and campers propped up on stacks of cement blocks in her driveway and garden, junk cars and old trucks were parked everywhere, including the front yard where the grass was dying. Someone had hung an engine from a tree to drip oil everywhere, presumably before he brought it inside for disassembly. A large fire pit had been dug in the side yard for fun cookouts and mountains of beer cans were growing outside the kitchen and dining room windows. Trash was thrown around everywhere, foul-smelling orange flowers grew where there had once been tidy lawn, and one of the upstairs windows was broken. She screamed, “My house! My poor house!” She was sorely tempted to get out and go bang on the door, demanding that Robin and his Messy Men get their collective asses up and clean that horrible disaster they created. While she was driving slowly past, the front door opened, and two girls walked out. She recognized Lily and the busty blond with her; Zelena shape shifted. They giggled and started walking down the street towards town. Regina drove away quickly before Lily could spot her, but not before Zelena noticed that she was there. She cursed them all under her breath, wishing that she could remove the hated anti-magic cuffs for only a moment or two, and angry that with all those Messy Men living in her house, Robin had invited their girlfriends along too. Irritated and infuriated, she made her way to Maleficent’s house. She stood outside the house and called her name, and just like she had before, and the treants opened the gate. The front door also opened by itself, and Maleficent greeted her inside.  
“Regina, dear, calm down! What’s the trouble?”  
“Have you seen my house? I drove past it today and it’s in the process of being destroyed!”  
“Yes, I’ve been there to retrieve your books, and found my daughter Lily squatting there with a group of Merry Men and Happy Harlots. I didn’t know this town had those.”  
“It’s not supposed to!”  
“Come into the kitchen, and I’ll make you something. Do you need another basket of enchantments?”  
“Yes I do, but I’m not sure whether to scream or cry in the meantime.”  
“You can do both if you like, and I’ll make tea.” She smiled mischievously, and said, “Then, step into my parlor, said the spider to the fly.”  
“Be gentle, I am pregnant.”  
“I will cherish you every moment,” she answered, and changed their outfits. Maleficent wore her long black gown and she had Regina in a short, shimmery dark shift that fell off one shoulder. “Have some tea first, dear.”

Jayme bought coffee for herself and Lily, and then said, “We should report the stolen books, and that Regina was driving past the house.”  
“What’s the point? The police station is staffed with Charmings, and they are people I tend to avoid.”  
“If you want to cause them some grief, then start building a history of restraining order violations against their royal bitch.”  
“Okay, I can stand them long enough for that.”  
“You’ll be glad you did, and I know Robin will be happy that we turned them in.”  
“They’re not going to do anything about it. I bet you they don’t arrest Regina.”  
“They don’t have to arrest her, they just have to have grief about it. And somebody has to drive all the way up to Maleficent’s fortress and ask her about those books.” Jayme smiled knowingly, “Believe me, it will cause an avalanche of grief and drama tonight at the Charming hovel.”  
“Okay,” Lily agreed with a laugh, “Especially if it causes an avalanche of grief and drama.”

Emma and David were less than thrilled with the report, to the barely hidden delight of Jayme and Lily.   
“Emma, it doesn’t take magic to knock on the door at Regina’s house and talk to Robin, but it certainly makes it easier to get past Maleficent’s fence. You take that side of it, and I’ll do some code citations.”  
“Okay,” Emma said, noticing the smirk on Jayme’s face. Not wanting to talk to a shape-shifted Zelena any longer than necessary, Emma left the station and drove out towards the edge of town to the hill Maleficent’s house stood on. “Looks like the Adams Family Mansion,” Emma muttered under her breath as she then noticed Regina’s car parked there. “Of course,” Emma said, and got out of the car. She stood in front of the gate, and wondered how to unlock it.   
A raven cawed at her, and said, “Just ask the treants to let you in.”  
“Okay, thanks,” Emma said, hoping she could trust the raven, and that they weren’t going to attack her or something else magical or strange. “Hey, treants, could you open the gate?”  
With a loud creaking of metal and wood, the treants leaned over and opened the spiked gate.   
“Thank you,” Emma said, walking through. “That’s actually a pretty cool idea. If I ever build a haunted mansion I’ll be sure to have some of those.” She walked up to the door, and exclaimed, “Oh my God!” when she saw the satyr doorknocker. “Am I supposed to touch that… those things?”   
The raven had followed her, and sitting on a nearby branch, answered her question, “Oh yeah! Pound! Pound! Pound!”  
“Ummm,” Emma muttered, and bravely grabbing ahold of the enormous brass testicles, pounded them against the wooden door, and the satyr emitted a howl. “Oh my God!” Emma screamed, and jumped back as the door opened, the raven sitting on the branch almost falling off from laughing. She bravely entered the house, now prepared for almost anything. “That’s a security system I’ll never forget!”  
“Hello?” she called, looking around. She sniffed the air, and thought that she smelled something odd yet enchanting, like an ancient oil perfume mixed with scorched leaves. “Hello?” she called again, waiting for a response. There was none, but she thought she heard women’s voices down the hall, laughter and the occasional gasp or delighted squeal. “What the hell?” Emma mumbled, and walked down the hall towards the voices, as the weird smell grew stronger. “Hey, is anybody home? Maleficent?” She came to the end of the hall and entered into a large room, where censers were slowly emitting the sparkling magical smoke that smelled so delightful and strange. The great stone fireplace was lit, and the dim interior was glowing from both candles and enchanted, light-emitting crystals. In front of the fireplace, Maleficent was reclining on a sofa, her legs very visible around the fabric and slit of her gown. She was letting the red polish on her nails dry while holding the velvet and silver leash she was keeping Regina on while the Evil Queen, barely covered in a thin black tunic, knelt at her feet, reverently applying red polish to Maleficent’s toenails. Maleficent stared at Emma calmly, unmoving except for her eyes, and waited for her to speak, until Regina looked over her shoulder, and was startled to see Emma standing there.  
“Emma! I…”  
“I did not give you permission to speak,” Maleficent said to her, and she was quiet. “Finish what you were doing, and do it properly.”  
“Yes, Mistress.”  
“I think it’s a bad time,” Emma stammered, backing up, “I’ll be going now.”  
“There is no need to hurry,” Maleficent smiled at her, “I have two feet.”  
“Whoa, no thanks!” Emma exclaimed, and rushed back out the way she had come. She pulled the door open and ran towards the gate, shouting for the treants to open it.   
“Oh my God!” Emma exclaimed, jumping into her car, and finally relaxing, certain that no one or thing was following her. She breathed deeply, and then exclaimed, “That liar! That sneaky liar! Oh! I should have guessed it!”

Zelena was hiding in the attic, out of view of any Merry Men, and watched Emma run out of Maleficent’s house. She and one of her flying monkey-girls were laughing and pointing with glee. “I wasn’t able to pierce Maleficent’s magic and watch that spanking festival, but we’ll see plenty of grief and drama tonight at the Charmings!” she laughed, as she watched Emma freak out and try to regain control of herself. “Oh, don’t calm down,” Zelena smiled, moving her broomstick over the top of the crystal, and creating green swirls of light, “I want you good and steamed when you get home tonight to find Maleficent’s love slave grinning dopily and listening to those Charming dum-dums yammer their every inane thought!” Zelena continued to swirl the green essence above the crystal, and said, “Go have a drink or two. Confide in your pirate friend…”

Regina smiled at Maleficent, and took the basket of enchanted treats. “Thank you, for everything.”  
“It’s my pleasure, I’ve enjoyed training you to where you’re exactly what I want.”  
“It’s too bad we can’t stay together for very long before it goes wildly askew.”  
“You can visit me whenever you want, and today was a good time because Lily is partying with indigents.”  
“In my house,” Regina noted, “But I’m still worried about what Emma is thinking.”  
“She will calm down.”  
“Perhaps,” Regina said, “Or she might be angry at me for very long time. I wanted Emma and I to be together, but after seeing that, I don’t think she’s going to want to. I think I blew it.”  
“How so? If you did have a relationship with her, our history would eventually come up, unless you wanted to keep it hidden from her forever.”

Emma walked along the docks, clearing her head and hoping to find Killian. He was on his ship, and called out to her.   
“Emma, how are things?”  
“Wow… My mind is kind of blown… How about we have a drink and I’ll tell you a story.”  
“Sounds good,” he agreed, and found himself listening to the description of the scene Emma had walked in on earlier that day. He nearly laughed rum through his nose when Emma told him that Regina was Maleficent’s love slave. “Hot damn! Is there any fun in this for me?”  
“What?”  
“Just joking.”  
“I wouldn’t be surprised if that brass doorknocker was Maleficent’s last male visitor,” Emma said.  
“It sounds like quite the statement piece.”  
“The thing is,” Emma said, and confided what had happened on their road trip, and where Regina had actually been the night of the attack on Robin.   
“So we could have been having fun all this time?”  
“I should have known better than to confide in a guy!”  
“Why not? Maybe you just need a different perspective.”  
“My perspective just changed radically today! She told me that she’d never been with a woman before!”  
“That’s true from a certain viewpoint. Maybe Maleficent counts as a dragon?”  
“A dragon?”  
“I’d count her as one, and then I could say I’d been with a dragon.”  
“Who would you be telling that to?”  
“When you’re out at sea there’s plenty of time to sit around and get nothing done.”  
“Ah, jeez…”

Zelena laughed some more, and circled the crystal with green fog. “Pull back the gangway, sailor boy! You’re not docking in port tonight! You can’t joke her out of a bad mood this time! I’ve got something far more important planned for Miss Swan.”

“I think I’m going to go home,” Emma decided, “I just remembered some things I promised David that I would do today.”   
“That sounds like a socially awkward moment on its way.”  
“If she lied about that, what else has she lied about?”  
“Are we together?”  
“Sort of, we’ve never really discussed it.”  
“Did you discuss that with her? Did you decide to see only each other?”  
“Well, no. She said she wanted to have an affair, and I told her I’d think about it.”  
“Then what do you even have to be upset about?”  
Emma sighed and said, “I’ll see you later, okay?”  
“Sure,” he smiled, and watched her go. “We could have been having fun all this time.”

Emma returned home to find everyone sitting around a card table, waiting for her. “Emma!” David smiled, “Come here and join us! It’s Family Fun Night.”  
“Huh? It’s what?”  
“Mary Margaret decided we needed a fun end of the week distraction that we could all do together.”  
Emma looked at the books, papers, and dice on the table. “So you’re playing Dungeons & Dragons? Really?”  
“It has all the best parts of the Enchanted Forest. All the magic and fun without any of the cold drafts, terrible smells, and infectious diseases of home! Plus we have coffee and bathrooms here. We were feeling nostalgic, so we decided that this was a great solution.”  
“Yeah, nostalgia,” Emma said, staring at Regina who glanced down at some papers. “Oh my God,” she mumbled to herself.  
“Sit down, Mom, and decide what you want to be. Grandma and I are elven archers, and Mom is a dual classed magic-user and cleric. What do you want to be?”  
“If you’re dual-classed you’ll go up in level a lot slower but you start out with more power and abilities,” Mary Margaret pointed out.  
David handed her some dice and said, “You can play any race or class you want, and worship any god or goddess. Henry chose an elven god and Regina worships the goddess of magic.”  
“Gee, you don’t say,” Emma muttered, and looked over at Regina, who was calmly sitting there, a pencil in her hand and rolling some dice.  
“Playing a fighter is easiest,” David said, “Less rules to remember at first.”  
Emma glanced down at the cover of a book and said, “I guess I’ll just be the girl in the fur bikini.”  
“Okay,” David said, and handed her a piece of paper and a pencil. “Write in pencil, not pen, because you’re going to be adding and erasing a lot.” He started talking about hit points, alignment, levels, and other stuff that she found it hard to pay attention to at first, but then between the game and the snacking, she almost forgot why she was upset and angry. 

Zelena stared into her crystal ball. “How is that even possible? Those two should be fighting, and everyone else should be full of grief because of it! Instead they’re having Family Fun Night?” Then she shifted the view to Robin and several of his friends, who were lounging on the furniture downstairs, drinking beer from brown bottles and laughing about silly things. They had some cursing frogs they were trying to make have a race, and it seemed to keep them amused. “Well, he’ll stay busy with that for a while yet, so I have some time to figure out how these Charming dum-dums are slipping past my spells. It almost seems like somebody is helping those idiots. But who?”   
Downstairs, Robin and his Merry Men were laughing at the cursing frogs, who seemed to not care in the slightest. “Hey,” one of the men suggested, “Maybe if you do kiss one’s butt it turns into a beautiful princess? Has anyone tried that?”  
“Oh, somebody probably has but it wasn’t me,” a friend answered.  
“Hey, let’s try it now!”  
“Why would you want a beautiful woman that only says ‘Go to Hell,’ and ‘Kiss my butt?’”  
“Yeah,” Robin joked, “That would be like having Regina back here.”  
“What did you see in her to begin with?”   
“Money and sex.”  
“What about all that true love stuff?”  
“Well, here we are. That sort of says it all. When the sex got old, there was nothing left but aggravation.”  
One of the men raised his beer bottle and said, “To Robin Hood, who conquered the Evil Queen with only his dick!”  
Robin laughed and said, “It’s in the way that you use it!” Then he stood up and said, “To the Evil Queen Regina; I love you so much I sent you the bill!”  
They all erupted into laughter, and another said, “Yeah, greatest haul ever!” Then they clinked beer bottles together and drank heartily.  
“I still dare you to kiss a frog’s butt.”  
“No way!” Robin laughed, “I have a cute girlfriend, why would I want to turn a cursing frog into a cursing woman? No thanks! I’d rather have the cursing frogs.”  
But Robin Hood didn’t hate Regina, not really. He didn’t want to live with her, and wondered what he’d ever seen in her to begin with, other than sex and money, but he didn’t hate her. Almost everything that had happened so far was what Zelena or his lawyer had told him to do, and it had worked out in his favor, that much was obvious. He grabbed another beer out of the fridge and sat down with his friends. Everyone was having a good time, the sort of party he couldn’t ever interest Regina in. They really were just too different, and never should have been together in the first place. Marion had been sweet, but Zelena was adoring, and always put him first. What guy wouldn’t like that? But why did Regina have to kill the kids? He still wondered that, he sure hadn’t seen that coming. He’d actually expected her to file first, and throw him out. But, here he was, with Zelena and all his Merry Men, plus some random cuties from town, like Lily, Ruby, and those other girls, whoever they were. Even if he wasn’t sleeping with any of them, his friends were, and it made them happy. Meanwhile, Regina was staying with the Charmings, and had come out in public about her affair with Emma. Why hadn’t she just done that to begin with, he wondered. Why all the sneaking, and denial? And whose baby was it? Possibly his, but who else might there be? Robin shook his head free of heavy thoughts. Best not to think about any of them. Those Charmings were awful damn weird. But if she killed his kids, he was definitely going to make her pay for that. She could lose hers.

Emma had fun despite herself, and it was well past midnight when the family called it a stopping point, since everyone in the group was injured, and Regina’s character was out of spells. They decided that their characters, rather than continue to fight monsters that would almost certainly beat them up again, would probably camp in a safe spot and recuperate. So they cleaned up the books and party dishes and decided to go to bed. Maybe Mary Margaret was right, Emma thought, they really did need enjoyable things to all do together as a family. Tired, she decided to just go to sleep and not talk.  
“You made a wise decision running away. I know you’re thinking the worst of me right now, and I am very, very sorry for…”  
“Oh no!” Emma leaned forward and shouted at her in a whisper, so the rest of the family couldn’t hear. “I don’t want to hear anything from you! You are a liar! Liar! A sneaky, slippery, slithery liar who can twist the truth so finely that even my superpower can’t get past it! I can’t believe I ever trusted you about anything!”  
“Emma, I’m sorry, I can explain…”  
“Keep your forked tongue in your mouth! I don’t want to hear anything from you about it, ever! Ever! We are through! Go play tie-up games with Maleficent if that’s what you like! I was a fool to ever believe you about anything!”  
“You’re right, I did twist the truth horribly, and it was exactly what it looked like, but will you listen while I explain why?”  
“No. Go to sleep.”  
“All right. Good night Emma.”  
Emma lay there, waiting for her to start talking again, but she didn’t. Instead, Emma realized that Regina had already gone to sleep, and that she was lying there awake in the darkness feeling angry.

“What was that?” Zelena exclaimed to two pretty girls beside her. They shrugged their shoulders and obviously didn’t know. “They were supposed to have a fight, and the whole family should be tearing each other apart! I’ve worked on this spell all day! Those anti-magic cuffs are protecting Regina from any spells taking effect around her, but once those other babbling nincompoops are away from her, telepathic suggestions and glamours should work just fine on their weak minds.”

Robin awoke late in the morning, delighted by the greeting Zelena normally gave him. He decided to linger in bed for a while after having sex, and went back to sleep. His life was great, except for having lost the kids. That was a sore spot, and sometimes he felt like a great pit opened up in his heart and filled everything with cold blackness. “Zelena,” he said, “Maybe we should do some sort of ritual, to commemorate the kids.”  
“We can do whatever you want, as long as it doesn’t take away from my revenge.”  
“I’m still good with revenge, but we need a memorial. If the kids were still alive, they would have been found by now.”  
“I’m so sorry, Robin. She’s evil, I don’t know what else to say. But don’t lose hope completely, there’s still an outside chance that they were found, and that someone just thinks they’ve found orphans.”  
“I hope so.”  
“Robin, there’s something else. Regina’s not the only one who’s going to have a baby.”  
“You’re pregnant?”  
“Yes,” she said, taking his hand. “Let’s do it right this time.”

Several weeks went by before Emma realized that Regina was never going to bring the subject up again. She had expected a confrontation, but it kept not happening. When they were alone at night, she sat there quietly reading a book and snacking on the enchanted delights from the picnic basket.   
“More treats?” Emma asked.  
“Of course. Until I get these horrible cuffs off, I’ll have to have another source of magical energy.”  
“Uh, about where they came from.”  
“Maleficent’s kitchen?”  
“Yes. Her. Can we talk about that? My mind was really blown that day. I’ve seen stuff like that before, sort of, but I wasn’t prepared for it.”  
“You told me we were through and that I was a sneaky, slippery, slithery liar who should keep my forked tongue in my mouth.”  
“And you did. And I miss us.”  
“You missed my slithery lies?”  
“No, I don’t miss us deceiving each other at all, I miss the closeness. Will you explain it to me?”  
“You’ve been avoiding me for weeks, after hissing in my face and breaking up without wanting to let me say a word, and you want to talk about it now?”  
“Okay, you don’t have to tell me, but I have been wondering.”  
She put down her book and looked at Emma critically. “Why? Why should I take a chance on you again, when all you do is shove me away later?”  
“Put that way, I guess you shouldn’t. I keep people at arm’s length and I’ve been juggling you and Killian, not committing to anyone or anything. But if you want to tell me the story, I’m more than willing to listen.”  
“Wait. You think that if I tell you a story, suddenly we’re back together?”  
“Not necessarily.”  
“I knew it.”  
“You told me to define our relationship, and I didn’t do a good job of it. Not only that, but I felt that as soon as I said the “L” word, I got burned again.”  
“Yes, that is an interesting coincidence.”  
Emma turned the lamp off, and lying close said very softly, “Tell me a story. I promise I won’t judge.”  
“I told you I had issues you hadn’t even begun to imagine.”


	10. The Forbidden Fortress

Regina settled down into the pillow and blankets and whispered so that no one would overhear, “When I was sixteen, my mother happily sacrificed me for her own chance at seizing power. Everyone else thought the marriage was a wonderful event, and that his grand plans to yet have a son who would inherit his throne were wonderful. They went home after the feasting and dancing, without having to sleep with him. I found myself pushed into a lavish bedroom suite with an old man who was ready to consummate a marriage. I tasted death in his cold, slobbery kisses, and it was everything I could do not to scream and run away. He never once considered that I wasn’t simply nervous, I didn’t want to be touched by a hairy, gross old man. In what he considered a gallant and romantic gesture, he lifted me up and put me on the bed. Cold, drooling kisses and grunts…”  
“Oh no, stop there. Just stop there, please!”  
“What?”  
“Uh, how rapey is this story going to get?”  
“Emma, do you want me to tell the story or not?”  
“Sorry, but it just makes me upset when things like that happen.”  
“All right then, I’ll speed through the deflowering process.”  
“I’ve heard these same stories from other girls in foster homes, and they always upset me really bad.”  
“Yes, you’ve heard similar stories before, I’m sure, but I was married to the king, and had no way out but death. Nor did anyone want to listen to my complaints. They thought I was purely decorative, and should be happy to just stand there and look pretty. I tried several more times to kill myself, when my mother decided to introduce me to Rumpelstiltskin, that I might learn magic. One day I found one of Maleficent’s spellbooks, and I pestered him about her until he became so annoyed with my badgering that he teleported me to a desolate plain near where she dwelt. I found her drugging herself to death and nearly incoherent. She was…”  
“Stoned immaculate?”  
“Yes. That’s it. How did you know?”  
“I could tell when I first met her.”  
“I helped her attain verticality, and she agreed to teach me, so long as I swore my love to her. I was to address her as Mistress, and not argue. She did what Leopold was too arrogant to do; she took time with me. First, inspirations and gentle words, then caresses and kisses. So when she put a little velvet choker around my neck and attached a delicate, thin silver chain, I was curious and wanted to know what we were going to do next. Then she led me into her private sleeping tower, where I remember telling her how beautiful she was, kissing her, trothing my love, and then…”  
“Are you trying to make me jealous?”  
“That wasn’t my goal, but are you?”  
“Sort of,” Emma thought aloud, “But okay, finish your story.”  
“All right. Most evenings, after we had experimented with spells and recipes, we would smoke or drink something mind-altering, and she would recline upon her sofa, while I lay next to her, with my head in her lap. If she was pleased with me, she would sing to me, and pet my hair. Never let her sing to you! It’s a charm spell, and ever after, her voice then has control over you. Even now, she can order me to do things. And it was always wonderful to be in her arms, a thrill I would look forward to and strive to please her so she would hold and love me…”  
“Do you love her?”  
“Emma, I can’t not love her. I don’t have a choice. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. She built it in. We don’t need restraints or threats or anything else, I’m her love slave. Forever. You mentioned once that your love bone had been broken so many times that it didn’t work right anymore? Let’s just say that mine is one of her ribs.”  
“Didn’t you try to kill her?”  
“That comes much later in the story, Emma. Be patient!”  
“Okay, but I’m wondering why I’m even bothering to have any kind of relationship with someone who is already eternally bound to someone else, and how in hell you managed to say that you’d never had a relationship with another woman.”  
“I’ll get to that. I had come to her wanting to learn magic, and I did. She taught me how to use charms, and then how to control others. She had a list of beings that she would visit and control for whatever she needed. That’s why so many kings and lords wanted to destroy her- she had them under her thumb, and they wanted free from her. I wasn’t resentful, because I didn’t realize how much she was using me, because I loved her so much. When I went back to Leopold’s castle, I was far wiser. Instead of being a girl who endured being pinned beneath a panting, grunting, drooling old man, I was able to control him, and more often than not, avoid even letting him touch me. Even managing Rumpelstiltskin became a lot easier. When he started his ‘Everything comes with a price, dearie, so let’s have a look under that corset, shall we?’ bargaining, I put him on a point system. If he behaves himself and does what I want, I’ll give him a number of points. He can save up a few, and spend them on groping under my corset, or he can save them up for a long time, and get something special.”  
“Wait a minute, how much do you owe him?”  
“You’re skipping ahead, again.”  
“This has that deal gone down feeling to it. What is he expecting, and you tell me truthfully.”  
“Emma! I’m not going to trick you into a having a pervert party with Rumpelstiltskin!”  
“Oh my God! What pervert party?”  
“That’s a fairly accurate description of what they are. He saves up every grope for decades to finally spend it on one of those special events Maleficent and I reserved for kings she wanted control over or otherworldly fey beings she was trying to impress.”  
“You know this would have been great stuff to let me know on our road trip. You know, all those long empty miles of silence?”  
“If you hadn’t told me that you didn’t want me, would never love me, and so on, I might have felt more inclined to mention it.”   
“While we’re on that subject, how did you manage to pass off that huge lie?”  
“That I had never been with a woman before? Because Maleficent is not a human woman. She’s a fairy. So, I had a long affair with a fairy who occasionally turns into a dragon.”  
“While technically correct, it misses the point entirely. I think your mistress might have been important to mention.”  
“I wanted to see if we had a chance at having a nice, normal family life together, and starting off with a description of decades of dark magic and bondage wasn’t the way to do it. I would have been peeling you off the ceiling.”  
“Yeah, probably. But normal is not the word I would use. You’re a lot of things, but never, ever, ever normal. The closest you’ve ever come to normal is being a good mom, but then you even found a way to crazy that up.”  
“What do you mean?”  
Emma took a deep breath, and said, “Your divine conception. The way I see it, there are three likely explanations. One is that it’s Robin’s baby and you had a stress hallucination that night. The second is that Gold is plotting something, but I have no idea what that might be. The third is that Maleficent visited you, gave you some weird drug of hers, as well as the blankets and flowers, and your memory of the event is skewed. Right now I’m leaning towards the latter. Presents and goodie baskets seem to be her style.”  
“You still don’t believe me, do you? Even though I was unable to bear children due to potions and curses from long ago? The Lady removed them, and gave me what I wanted but thought I could never have.”  
“Can we agree to suspend judgment?”  
“Is a little faith that hard?”  
“For me, yeah it is. Okay, finish the story, how did you go from being a love slave to trying to kill her and now back to painting her toenails?”  
“I was having a dull dinner with Snow White and Leopold when one of his nobles mentioned that Maleficent was demanding part of the Enchanted Forest for her own uses, and that humans would be forbidden to enter it afterward. They came up with all sorts of useless ways to fight her, and I slipped away after dinner, giving Rumpelstiltskin a few points to teleport me to the Forbidden Fortress. When I arrived, I found the place frostier and more sparkly than it had been before. There were little snow fairies darting around, and at first, I thought they were beautiful and fascinating. Then one bit me. So I went inside, finding ice sculptures and white décor everywhere, and discovered one of those blond snow princesses with ice powers had moved in. Her name was Grete, and looked a lot like Elsa, but not as thin. I was jealous the moment I saw her.   
Grete had come in search of the famous sorceress, just as I once had. She had taken on another student! But Maleficent greeted me with open arms and invited me to stay, which I accepted. I kept hoping Grete would decide she’d learned enough magic and just go away, so that our lives could settle back into what they had been, but that never happened. When I tried to cast a spell on her to make her do just that, she blasted me with ice, and that hurt! When I found out that it was an ability that she’d just been born with, I felt so angry and resentful. I had to study and pay points to Rumpelstiltskin for everything I had learned, and she could just throw frosticles everywhere at will. If Grete hadn’t been so exasperatingly arrogant about her ice powers, always talking about how special she was, I might have been able to ignore her for longer. What the ice powers actually are is a bit of water elemental in their family line. Someone long ago married a Jotun or an undine, and that fey power occasionally surfaces, and in their case taking the form of cold water powers.”  
“So that’s what that is! I’ve always wondered.”  
“Yes, that’s what it is.”  
“Why didn’t you tell them? They didn’t even know where their powers came from.”  
“Because I don’t like them. I hated Grete, I no reason to like Ingrid, and Elsa didn’t have time to annoy me.”  
Emma sighed, “Elsa and Anna were nice.”  
“During the brief time you knew them. Trust me, hearing all about how superior it is to have ice powers will eventually drive you crazy. One day I lost my temper and blasted her with a fireball, and it damaged her much more than if I had burnt a normal human. I hadn’t meant to hurt her that badly, I just wanted her to shut up about how wonderful and special she and her ice powers were. To make amends for my misdeed, I had to serve Grete and help her until she healed, but after a few days, I couldn’t take any more of her arrogance and humiliation. I turned around, ripped her heart out and crushed it in a sweet moment of satisfaction. As I let the dust flow through my fingers, I looked up to see the icy stare Maleficent was giving me, and instantly regretted what I had done. I had assumed that it was all about me, and that she was making me endure this annoying snow princess for some sort of lesson or purpose, but then I realized that she loved us both. I expected some sort of punishment at the time, but there wasn’t. Instead, as Grete’s ice magic melted away, the coldness seeped into our relationship. Before, she had never hurt me, or ever made me think that could happen. I thought I had a dragon on my side. But things changed, and a new element of pain entered our lives. Slowly at first, but it gained a terrifying intensity, and I knew I had to escape before she lost control and killed me. Breaking free from the pleasures and her charm spells was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I did and returned to the boring life of Snow White and her old windbag of a father.”  
“And then you killed him?”  
“I killed him for several reasons, the most important of which was to obtain my freedom. I continued to learn magic from Rumpelstiltskin, and starting plotting revenge and a brilliant curse. In order to enact it, I needed a component that I knew Maleficent had. I knew it would be difficult, but I visited her, and found her drinking homemade enchantments by her fireside. She greeted me like a long lost child and I almost fell into it. She wanted me to put my head on her lap and ask her for the spell component, and at the sound of her voice, I wanted to do just that. That would have been so easy, and so comforting, and so deadly, and she would have me right back in her talons. So I challenged her, and she let me win. Then, before I enacted the curse, I bound and imprisoned her.”   
“Why not just steal it after she passed out? And why trap her?”  
“Because then she would have been here all along, and I would have been tied up with a little velvet choker around my neck and on her leash.”  
“Exactly what I just saw.”  
“Precisely. I wanted to be free.”


	11. All Tangled Up in the Rigging

“What do you see?” Regina asked.  
“A perfectly healthy baby girl, about sixteen weeks’ gestation,” Dr. Weil said. “You can see the heartbeat, and the outline of the body.”  
“Print me out several copies. One for the baby book, one to show the family, and a third to staple to Rumpelstiltskin’s forehead.”  
“Oh, why?”  
“He implied that my baby would be some sort of supernatural monster, and I’m going to prove to him that she’s not.”  
“I’ve found that I’m a lot happier the less of him I see.”  
“I’ve noticed the same thing.”  
Photos in hand, she drove to Gold’s shop, and found him there, looking through some papers. “What can I do for you today?”  
“I just came by to show you some pictures. Baby pictures, of a normal, healthy child.” She put the photos down on the counter.  
“Ah. Rainy skies over Boston.”  
“Look harder.”  
Belle overheard the conversation, and came out from the back room. She looked over Gold’s shoulder, and thought the picture was a little grainy, but it was easy enough to make out a profile. “I see it,” she said. “Look here, Rumple. That’s the head right there.”  
“Without horns, tentacles, or anything else freaking weird,” Regina pointed out.  
“Well, how delighted you must be. Then again, they aren’t born with horns, just tufts of hair where the horns are going to grow from. Flesh features of course, we wouldn’t see on this. We’re just looking at bone structure. That’s why the skull is the first thing you see. Even what appears to be eyes are really just empty spaces in the skull, the eye sockets.”  
“You can see the heart, too,” Belle pointed out.  
“Why yes, you can,” he mused. “Are you giving me this picture?”  
“No,” Regina said, snatching it back.   
She decided to leave, before he could say anything else disturbing.  
Arriving back at the loft, she showed them to everyone, and felt happy and excited again, instead of the vague unease that Rumpelstiltskin had given her.   
“I’m so happy for you,” Mary Margaret said, “We all are.”  
“Did you pick out a name yet?” Henry asked.  
“Sophia.”  
“How about Winnifred?” David suggested.  
“I think not.”  
“Yeah, Mom,” Henry joked, “Here’s a chance to get really creative.”  
“Henry, you have a nice, sensible name, and I think your sister should have the same.”  
“But I’m named after your dad. How about naming her after a different family member? Maybe not Cora, but there are other ones. We could have a little Emma. There’s lot of variations you can make from Snow White”  
“How about Rose Red?” David said.  
“Snow Flower sounds beautiful,” Mary Margaret said.   
“That sounds like we sit around smoking weed and were higher than usual when we named the baby. Look, I appreciate your help, but I’m really happy with what I’ve already picked out.”  
“But you’ve only picked out a first name,” Henry said. “You’re supposed to have a middle and a last name too.”  
“I’ll use Mills as the last name, and think of something pretty for the middle.”  
“But right now your last name is Hood,” Henry said.  
“Please don’t remind me. We go back to court next week.”  
After losing that night’s game of Hearts for the Dishes, Emma cleaned up. Then she went upstairs to find Regina on their bed, reviewing some legal documents and eating an enchanted fruit tart. “That looks delicious,” Emma observed.   
“It is,” she answered. Then noticing Emma still staring at her, she added, “Are you waiting for me to offer you some?”  
“I’m assuming it came from Maleficent?”  
“Of course.”  
“Then no.” Emma waited a moment, and then said, “I’ve been thinking about what you told me last night, and I was wondering what you were thinking.”  
“About which part?”  
“Several parts. Can you stay away from Maleficent, or is that a compulsion? And do you want us to be together? Exclusively? And why on earth, after hearing that story, did you hate Snow White? It seems to me more like you should have been hating Leopold and Cora much more.”  
“That’s a lot of questions all lumped together at once. What one should I answer first?”  
“Uh, let’s start with why you hated Snow White so much. Why hate a kid when it’s Leopold who raped you for a decade and your heartless mother who pushed you into it? Seems to me you should be hating them a lot more.”  
“I do and did, but I was also jealous of Snow White. She had all the benefits of being a princess without having to sleep with an old man.”  
“That sounds like a lot of displaced anger to me.”  
“Emma, now we know how it all turned out. When it was all happening the future wasn’t clear.”  
“Well, that’s true.”  
“And I have forgiven Snow White.”  
“That’s a good thing. We can’t have any kind of relationship at all if you didn’t.”  
“Are we going to have any kind of relationship at all? Why don’t you tell me what you want.”  
“What if we’re together but also give each other hall passes?”  
“What?”  
“You know, to see other people. If you can’t help running off to be tied up by Maleficent, then maybe I can go visit Killian sometimes.”  
“I’m not sure relationships like that work out very well, and you, Miss Swan, have admitted many times to being bad at relationships.”  
“Yeah, I am. So, are you any better?” Emma smiled.  
“Hmmm…” she thought, “My mother killed my first boyfriend, I killed my first husband, I’m in love with Snow White’s commitment-phobic daughter, get tied up by Maleficent, and robbed by Robin Hood. Maybe not.”  
“Do you still love him?”  
“No. I only feel chagrin and humiliation. People waiting to assault me in the streets has turned into people laughing at me for being robbed by Robin Hood.”  
“These things have a half-life to them. After that, they forget about it, or at least it fades away as a topic of conversation.”  
“Hooray,” she answered drily.  
“But what about her?”  
“I told you before that I can’t not love her.”  
“Can you love her and not play bondage games with her? Can you just stay away from her?”  
“She could summon me if she wanted to, but she doesn’t. She waits for me to come to her.”  
“In that case, quit eating those magic cupcakes she’s giving you! I had my doubts before, but I’m almost certain she’s behind your cellblock conversion and if you think she’s got a collar on you now, just wait until after that baby’s born. She’ll have shackles and a whip, too.”  
“You’re wrong on both counts, Emma.”  
“For your sake, I certainly hope so.”  
“I know what happened to me.”  
Emma decided to avoid a conversation about that, and asked, “So, do you want for us to be a couple? And what about other people?”  
“Do you really want other people?”  
“I kinda like having sex with my pirate, to be honest.”  
Regina shuddered.  
“Hey, what was that all about?”  
“Just the hook.”  
“It’s not a problem.”  
“Don’t enlighten me.”  
“At least I’m not all tangled up in the rigging. You’re the love slave.”  
“Funny. Emma, if we’re going to give this a try, there are going to be rules. First, we put each other first, and these hall passes are granted, not assumed. Nor do we obligate each other for these activities. Hall passes do not take time away from family activities, either.”  
“Wow. Rules.”  
“Yes, rules. Those are the ones I can think of at the moment. There are probably more. A relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least, in this case, you.”  
“Hey!”  
“I’ve wanted to have a relationship with you, and you keep playing push-me pull-me. That’s why we need rules, so this doesn’t end horribly. And if it does, I don’t want to try again. So, is this hall pass thing really what you want?”  
“Yeah, I think so.”  
“Oh no. It’s either you love me first and mean it; keeping your pirate for whatever it is that you do, or we don’t do this at all. No wishy-washy answers or commitments.”  
“Okay, then we’re together.”


	12. Robbed By Robin Hood

“How is the writing going?” Henry asked, sitting down opposite Thalia in Granny’s diner.  
“Still untangling fate,” the Muse smiled, books beside her, and drinking a cup of tea.  
“Where’s your sister?”  
“We hop around from project to project, and believe me, you’re better off if she forgets to come back.”  
“Any progress in finding me a girlfriend?”  
“I’m working on it. Remember, she has to already exist in this town or come from somewhere else with a good reason, and if she comes from another realm, she might miss her family and be trying to get back home.”  
“I can see how that would be.”  
“I’ll keep trying, though. I’m sure I can find someone. But remember, I’m a Muse. I can inspire, but I can’t and won’t do all the work for you. She won’t come with an automatic love spell attached.”  
“Okay, that’s fair and makes sense. Although my mom’s experience doesn’t really fit that.”  
“Actually it does. All I did was take her out for a walk and provide inspiration.”  
“Oh,” he said, “That reminds me. I have some ideas!” He went through his bag and pulled out several folded up papers. He handed them to her and she unfolded them.  
“Chore lists!” she laughed, “My favorite thing!” She started reading through the first page. “Oh, I see,” she smiled, “You want to learn magic yourself?”  
“I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and the idea that I might have a little sister born with godlike powers makes me think I need to get a head start on it.”  
“She won’t do much at first, just lie around and be a baby. Then when she grows older she will start discovering how to influence and alter things. Divine abilities aren’t flashy, like the magic you’re used to, at least very rarely. They’re more used to push and pull fate.”  
“But I’m pretty sure my mom is planning on teaching her magic.”  
“Of course she is, although she may find that she learns more than her student. Has she picked out a name yet?”  
“Sophia.”  
“Oh, I like that! How does everyone else feel about it?”  
“Most of the family is happy about it, except my birth mother, who thinks that the whole story is crazy.”  
“Poor thing. Try to remember that she came from the equivalent of the spiritual dark ages. They are so very physical. Nothing like when I first started doing this. Gods walked the earth freely and talked to humans all the time. Now, it’s difficult to even get their attention without causing a commotion.”   
“Henry!” Granny said, taking the notepad out of her pocket. “What would you like today?” She wrote down his order, and then asked Thalia, “More tea?”  
“Yes, thank you. We have a bit more work to do here this afternoon.”  
“No problem, take your time.”

Lily passed the joint to Nobby and exhaled. This was the best place ever. “Hey,” she said, “How long do you think we’re going to be able to stay here?”  
“About another six months, maybe longer. Robin’s got a trick up his sleeve. Why?”  
“I thought maybe we could toss that uptight furniture and crap out and put some cool stuff in here, and make it our own space.”  
“Yeah, probably. Jayme said you could pick a bedroom, and I’m the lucky guy who gets to share it with you, instead of crashing out somewhere downstairs. I don’t think she or Robin care one way or another about the furniture.”  
“And you know what?” Lily laughed, “This is like the best revenge ever on that Evil Queen! She’s so broke she’s living with Snow White!” She lay down on the bed, and Nobby joined her. “That’s just too sweet. It’s got to be crowded in that little apartment with four adults and two kids.”  
“It’ll get even more crowded after she has that baby,” Nobby laughed with her. “They make sheriff’s pay,” he thought aloud, “Why don’t they just find a bigger place to live?”  
“I don’t know,” Lily said, and then suddenly burst out into laughter.  
“What is it?”  
“An awesome idea about how to ruin the Evil Queen’s week with just a cheap potato and a bag of sugar.”  
“Really, what?”  
Lily whispered, “Her car.”  
“That’s genius,” Nobby laughed. “We’ve got to go tell Jayme and Robin about that!”

Family Meeting Night was convened to discuss several things, finding a new house being one of them.  
“I mean, we love having all of you living with us,” Mary Margaret said, “But it might be time for us to move somewhere larger. We’ve been saving up for a few years to buy a place of own.”  
“You shouldn’t feel pushed out of your own place,” Emma said, “That’s uncool.”  
“Yes, being pushed out of your own house is more than uncool,” Regina added, “I feel it every day, and sometimes it makes me feel like destroying something or throwing a fireball.”  
“Oh, we don’t feel like that,” Mary Margaret said, “We just need more than one bathroom, to start with. Even if all of us moved somewhere together, at least two bathrooms would be great.”  
“Doors,” Regina said, “Doors are a very good thing.”  
“Okay, I think we all agree that this place is too small,” David said.  
“I have a very nice house, but I am currently not allowed in it. Instead, Robin, Zelena, and a pack of thieves party there and make a mess.”  
“Hopefully that gets resolved soon,” David said. “Divorce can’t last forever.”  
“Actually, it can,” Emma said. “If one party really wants to drag it out, and Robin has every reason to make this as long and drawn out as possible, it can go on for years. I’ve heard horror stories of divorces that went on for up to ten years.”  
“Thanks, Emma.” Regina said, “There’s a thought to cry myself to sleep to.”  
“It’s not that bad, Mom,” Henry said. “Not that sleeping on the couch is great, but I’m having a lot of fun here. It’s nice to have everyone here to talk to, and play games together.”  
“I’m glad you’re having fun,” she said, “But I can’t afford to move anywhere. Robin took all the money, and he keeps accumulating debts and sending it all to me. I can’t afford a lawyer for myself, but I get to pay for his. How is that fair? And David, every citation you wrote that turned into a fine ended up coming to me.”  
“Sorry, that wasn’t supposed to happen.”  
“Well it did. I’m still the property owner, even though I can’t go near the place.”  
“I’ll just write vehicle citations from now on,” David said, “Maybe we can get a few of those junk cars out of there.”  
“So we need a bigger place,” Emma said, “Everybody just keep your eyes open and start looking for one. Okay, what’s next on the list?”

Zelena gazed into her crystal ball, which showed the interior of the Charming household. They were all sitting around talking about moving. Zelena laughed, “Tired of sleeping in Snow White’s attic, are you Regina? Well, don’t pack up that cardboard box yet. You’ll get a little love note soon enough that will make sure of that!”

Emma winced. “I do not want to give her this.”  
David shook his head, “There is no earthly reason why it should be me.”  
“Gee, thanks Dad!”  
“You stay home and show her that tonight, and I’ll take everyone else out for the evening. Send me a message when it’s safe to come back.”  
Later that evening, Emma handed Regina a stack of papers. “Don’t shoot the messenger. I had nothing to do with this.”  
“What? Why would I do that?”  
“Read it.”  
She started reading and screamed, “Bankruptcy! He’s declaring bankruptcy!” She screamed several more times as she flipped through the pages and pages of debts that he was seeking a discharge from, and leaving to her. Sitting down she said, “I’m ruined,” and let the papers fall onto the floor.  
Emma sat down next to her. “I had a feeling this would happen. Divorce and bankruptcy go hand in hand, especially if someone is trying to drag things out, and he is. He has nothing to lose, and everything to gain.”   
“I guess he thinks that if he’s going to end up sleeping in the dirt that I can have the same pleasure.”  
“I’m really sorry about this.”  
“What am I supposed to do now?”  
“Unfortunately, to get out from under his mountain of debt, you’ll probably end up filing as well.”  
“How humiliating. He brought me from a queen to a peasant.”  
“Hey, isn’t that what happened to Marion? Wasn’t she a princess or a lady or something who ended up living in a tent to be with the guy?”  
“Yes.” She paused, “Yes, she was. But that only makes me feel worse.”  
“At least you have family you can stay with. Eventually he’s going to be right back where he started, camping in the woods and eating critters.”  
“After destroying my house, my future, and everything else! It would have been less embarrassing if he had simply robbed me in the Enchanted Forest and left me tied to a tree.”  
“It would have been over faster, that’s for sure,” Emma agreed. Then she thought for a moment, and picked up the papers on the floor. “Wait, it may not be as hopeless as you think. If David and I slap a condemned sign on your house, it won’t be worth anything, and you’ll get to keep it through the bankruptcy, and then get it back after the divorce.”  
“Condemned! What happened to my house?”  
“My guess is a drunken dragon crashed into it and puked fire.”  
“Oh no!” Then she asked, “Wait, are the squatters still living in it?”  
“Of course they are. They just threw some colorful tarps over the roof and that’s the repair.”  
“I stopped looking at it months ago because it gets me too upset.”  
“Not to mention that you’re supposed to stay two hundred feet away from it at all times.”  
“I’m aware of that.”  
“Nothing in your vault really has any cash value, either. Candles and old body parts are not considered assets. Nor are eye of newt, unicorn farts, and whatever else you’ve got tucked away in there.”  
Regina smiled despite herself, “Unicorn farts? I don’t think I have any of those.”  
“Really, this isn’t as bad as it seems. You can even look at it like flushing a toilet. All the crap goes away and then you can go on with things.”  
“Yuk, Emma. That was nasty.”  
“So is almost everything in your vault. Dead bodies, your yucky old heart collection, and boxes of teeth and dried turds. Now that’s nasty!”  
“Those were not dried turds, Emma.”  
“I wasn’t going to touch them and find out!”  
Regina sighed, “I thought having my heart broken was bad. This scorched earth financial devastation is actually worse.” She watched Emma pull out her phone and start sending a message. “What are you doing?”  
“Sending David and the rest of the family a message that it’s safe to come home.”  
“I see.”

Robin sat with Jayme, Lily, and several Merry Men eating take-out. “Do you think she’s gotten the papers by now?” he asked Jayme.  
“Oh yes! I think I heard the shriek about an hour ago!” Jayme laughed and passed the joint to Lily.   
“She so deserves it,” Lily said.  
“Why is your mom even friends with her?” Jayme asked.  
Lily held up her hand and shook her head, “Don’t even ask! Don’t make me picture it!”  
“Oh, they’re like that?” Jayme asked.  
“Ugh!” Lily shuddered.   
“Do they still see each other? I thought Regina and Emma were a thing,” Jayme asked.  
“They’re all a thing,” Robin said, taking the joint from a Merry Man, “Something, anyway! She was always sneaking away to screw around with other women and then coming home to bitch at me.”  
“You shouldn’t have to put up with that,” Jayme said, kissing Robin’s cheek. Then she turned to Lily and asked, “Can you do magic? I mean, other than turn into a dragon.”  
“Oh, sometimes, I guess, I don’t really try. I’ve sort of had my fill of witches for a while.”  
“I heard that Maleficent was really a fairy, not a human.”  
“Yeah, she is, and that’s just the start of the weirdness.”  
“Do you still want revenge against Regina and the Charmings?” Jayme asked.  
“Yeah, sure. But right now it’s pretty funny that Regina is sleeping over there at Snow White’s dumpy little apartment while we party in her house, and they have to put up with her!”  
“But maybe we could think of a few more ways to make them suffer. Let’s try to get her to violate her restraining order again.”  
“Yeah, whatever,” Lily shrugged, and then said, “But I’m not killing or beating up a pregnant lady.”  
“I’m pregnant, too,” Jayme laughed.  
Lily raised an eyebrow and asked Robin, “Do you know what rubbers are?”   
He looked at her strangely, “Huh?”  
“Oh my God,” she said, and then remembered, “Hey, Nobby and I thought of something a while back that’s sort of funny, and doesn’t really hurt her or her kid.”  
“Oh? What?” Jayme asked.  
Nobby burst out into laughter as Lily explained, “All we need is a potato.”

“Childbirth classes? Really, Emma?”  
Emma laughed, “Sorry, but they’re only offered on Saturday nights. I thought you might find it interesting and enjoyable, though.”  
“I found a way,” she smiled.  
“Sometimes I can tell when you’re using your secret power.”  
“No you can’t.”  
“Your lack of outrage on the ride home is proof, I would say.”  
“I take this to mean you’re going to be there with me when the baby’s born?”  
“Unless you want to ruin Mary Margaret’s date night and have her go to classes with you. She did offer.”  
“Oh, I know she offered, but that might be a sweetness overload. But, she believes me.”  
Emma sighed, “Who am I to ruin the next month or so for you?”  
Regina reached over and took Emma’s hand. “Everything will turn out beautifully, you’ll see. Remember, deities are not obligated to abide by our rules.”  
“You really do believe in this experience of yours, don’t you?”  
“It was so unlike anything else. I take it you have never met a god or goddess?”  
“No, not to my knowledge,” Emma said.  
“I didn’t want to leave her presence. I felt like I was dying when you woke me up in that jail cell.”  
“Well, you certainly screamed like it.”  
“Cast from the heavens to earth will make you scream.”  
“I’ll have to take your word for it,” Emma sighed.  
“She tried to tell me her goddess story again today,” Emma said. “This is a problem. She truly believes that she was visited by a goddess who gave her a divine gift.”  
David and Mary Margaret looked at each other, and then David said, “Maybe you should just agree.”  
“What? I don’t think that’s a delusion we should feed into!”  
“Here’s something,” Mary Margaret said, “You’ve put so much effort into disbelieving her story, you’ve never once started to make any sort of plan for what to do if she’s telling the truth, and her baby will be here in less than ten weeks.”  
“What?”  
“Well, that would mean we have a child here with an immense amount of potential power. Do you remember Cora? I can imagine some very realistic possibilities where this all goes horribly wrong. Maybe we should ask her more about this goddess,” Mary Margaret suggested. “Who exactly was she, and what did she promise Regina, and why? I’ve listened to her story a few times, and it seems that this goddess promised her all sorts of things. She’s evasive about exactly what, other than the baby and the scenery of the magic garden. Emma, I think you could find out more than she’s willing to tell me.”  
Emma sighed, “I’ve just been hoping that it’s only Robin’s baby after all, or that she and Maleficent cooked something up.”  
“Maybe,” Mary Margaret said, “But another dragon is a concern in and of itself. I’ve asked, and she’ll keep telling me the same parts of her story over and over, but won’t reveal whatever else it is that she knows but is keeping secret.”  
“This sounds like a job for Emma and her superpower,” David smiled.  
“I don’t want to have that conversation,” Emma said.  
“It’s sort of important,” Mary Margaret said, “And you can’t have a relationship with a giant hole like that in it.”  
“Oh my God,” Emma said, “I can’t believe I’m getting relationship advice from you on her. This is weird.”  
“Why do still push all of us away?”  
“Because it’s still weird. I feel more comfortable relating to all of you on an adult, friendship level. Anything else makes me feel weird.”  
“Maybe it’s a conversation we should all have together,” David suggested.   
“Oh no,” Emma said, “She wants to tell me all about how wonderful it was to sleep with her goddess, and not only do I not want to hear it, I sure don’t want your assessment of it.”  
“Well then, you’re on your own,” Mary Margaret smiled, “But I think we should talk about the baby at our next Family Meeting Night.”  
“When’s that?” Emma asked.  
“Tonight,” David smiled, “Henry and Regina went out to get the ingredients for lasagna, and after dinner we’ll have our family meeting.”  
“Ugh,” Emma sighed, “Is this before or after Hearts for the Dishes?”  
“You choose,” he said, “Or all of the above.”  
“During Hearts for the Dishes,” Emma answered, putting it off and setting herself up for the easiest way to exit the conversation when it went bad. Not if, she thought, but when.  
“Mary Margaret told me there was something you wanted to talk about,” Regina asked Emma, as she folded her cards.  
“I tried to discourage her,” Emma said, “But she’s got some crazy notions about your baby and your otherworldly romp.”   
“We’re not crazy, Emma,” Mary Margaret said, “And we were going to have a discussion about the baby’s future, anyway.”  
Regina looked askance at her. “We were?”  
“I’m just concerned,” Mary Margaret said, “I’m worried about a child with too much power and things somehow spiraling out of control. That’s all. I’ve sort of noticed how things tend to go in this family.”  
“Well, we’re certainly not putting little baby anti-magic cuffs on her at birth, that’s for damn sure.”  
“I didn’t mean that. I only meant that less than ten weeks from now you’ll have the baby.”  
“She won’t be able to do anything for years, anyway,” Henry said, “Divine powers take longer to develop than learning magic.”  
“How would you know that?” Emma asked.  
“I guess it just sort of makes sense,” Henry said, not wanting to elaborate further.  
“What sense?” Emma wondered, raising an eyebrow at Henry, wondering what he was hiding. “You guys need to stop feeding into her delusions.”  
“I am not delusional, Emma Swan!”  
“This is going bad fast,” David interrupted.   
“That’s not the real point,” Emma said, “The point I’m trying to make is that you’re all encouraging her to believe something that’s not true. Magic is strange enough, but whatever spell or hallucination she was under isn’t going to stand the light of reality.” She looked around at the unhappy faces. Regina looked angry while the others just looked worn out and sad.   
“Mom,” Henry said, “A friend told me that you were from the spiritual dark ages, and we had to be patient with you.”  
“What friend would that be?”  
“I do have my own life,” he smiled, and then changed the subject. “Do you guys mind if I go out Saturday night? I mean, I know Friday is Family Fun Night, but I met a new girl at school that I really like.”  
“Of course,” Regina smiled. “Who is she and where are you going?”  
“Her name is Ozma.”  
“Wait,” Emma exclaimed, “From Oz?”  
“Yes. I think you’ll really like her.”

Lily held up the potato and Jayme looked confused. “A potato?” she asked, “What are you going to do with that?”  
Smiling, Lily said, “Just watch.” She put the potato in the car’s tailpipe, using her hairbrush to jam it farther up, until it couldn’t be seen any longer.  
“What does that do?” Jayme asked.  
“It’ll cause the pressure to back up until either it shoots the potato out or blows her engine. Either way, the Evil Queen is going to have a hell of surprise next time she turns her car on.”  
“All that with a humble potato,” Jayme admired.  
“I’m not done,” Lily smiled, and pulled a package out of her bag. “Sugar. I pour this into her gas tank, and while she’s wondering why her engine’s making awful noises, this is will wreck the fuel line. She’s going to need a ride everywhere she goes for a long time to come,” Lily laughed.  
“I like the way you think,” Jayme smiled.  
“I wish we could watch it when it happens,” Lily said.  
“We can,” Jayme said, “If you can keep a secret.”  
“Yeah, I can keep a secret.”  
Jayme took Lily up to the attic where she kept her crystal ball. “This is where I come to watch what goes on,” she confided.   
“Wow,” Lily said, “That’s a huge crystal ball. My mom keeps a cabinet full of small ones, and she looks at stuff with those.”  
“What does she do, change them out in her staff to match whatever weird outfit she comes up with that day?”  
“Yes.” Then they both laughed. “So let’s see how this one works,” Lily said.  
“Like this,” Jayme said, and waved her hand over the top. Instantly a picture of the Charming household was visible. They were all sitting around together, playing cards for the dishes, just like they did every night.   
Lily wrinkled up her nose, and said, “Is that what they do?”  
“That’s what they do,” Jayme said. “The whole household will make you sick! I’m not sure what churns my stomach more; Friday Family Fun Night or Saturday Date Night.”  
“What’s Date Night?”  
“Date Night started as a sickening ritual where Miss Swan takes Regina out somewhere and worships the Evil Queen where the others can’t see or hear it. Then Charming decided he needed special romantic time with Snow White, and started doing the same thing. They leave their little kid at home to be babysat by that teenage boy. Things should get complicated this Saturday when that teen wants to go on a date himself.”  
“Except for Emma and her kid, I hate them all.”  
“Be patient, tomorrow morning there should be some satisfying justice shooting out of a tailpipe.”  
“Okay, I want to see that. But what about Snow White and Charming? They’re the ones I’ve really got a hard spot for.”  
“Ah, yes, those miscreant, dragon-robbing ding-dongs. Wait, I have an idea. If everyone wants to go out for Date Night, they’re going to need a babysitter, and that just might get us in the door! But first things first. Let’s watch how this plays out. We can watch other people, too.” She waved her hand, and the image of Robin and several of his Merry Men standing outside in the yard beside a derelict camper van with two flat tires and a lot of rust. They were staring at one of the flat tires and the bright orange stenchblossoms that grew out from under it. One of them was daring another to sniff it. There was a great deal of laughing and hooting, until finally the Merry Man knelt down, took a big sniff, and fell over sideways while his buddies guffawed. “Those hillbillies are always doing something stupid,” she said, and changed the scene. “Now Gold would be interesting to check up on, but I can’t break his security enchantment.” The crystal showed only the outside of his shop. “Never mind him, then. But get up early tomorrow morning, and let’s watch the Evil Queen’s expression as her royal carriage becomes a very large, very expensive, potato gun.” She met Lily’s eyes and they both laughed.  
Lily drank a lot that night, and had to force herself up when Jayme started shaking her awake. “Get up!” Jayme said, “Did you forget about the car? Hurry up, and let’s watch it.” Lily dragged herself out of bed and nearly fell when she climbed up the ladder to the attic after Jayme. She sat down feeling sort of sick while Jayme activated the crystal and the interior of the Charming household became visible. They were all getting ready to leave, packing up bags, books, lunches, and coats. Regina put her arms around Emma and asked something, and Emma reluctantly agreed. Henry followed both of them out to Regina’s car, and they got in.  
“Here it comes!” Jayme laughed, and Lily perked up despite her king-size hangover.  
“Emma’s there,” Lily said.  
Jayme ignored Lily’s tone, and watched as Regina started up the car. It ran for a minute and died.  
“Is your car running rough?” Emma asked.  
“No, not usually,” Regina replied, restarting it, and then it ran for another minute and stalled again.  
“Maybe it’s just the cold,” Henry suggested.  
So she tried starting it again. Keeping her foot on the gas pedal so it wouldn’t stall out again, it started to make ominous sounding noises. “What is that?” Regina asked.  
Emma listened for a few seconds and then when she smelled smoke, she shouted, “Shut it off! Shut it off!”  
Regina turned the key, and the engine shuddered and sputtered to a stop, making clanking noises and bluish black smoke wafted up from the hood. “That was the sound of your engine getting ready to blow. From the looks of the blue smoke, some of it did.”  
“What does blue smoke mean?”  
“It means oil is burning, and if the car was running fine yesterday…” Emma thought aloud, “Pull the hood release.” Emma looked around, and realized that whatever it was, that car wasn’t going anywhere that morning. “Let’s take mine,” she suggested, putting the hood down.   
“What happened to it?” Regina wondered.  
“We’ll find out later. First we drop Henry off and get to your appointment.”  
“Is that what was supposed to happen?” Jayme asked.  
“No,” Lily sighed, “Emma realized something was wrong before the built up pressure blew the engine or shot the potato.”  
“So that was a waste of time?”  
“It still did some damage. She’s got sugar in her fuel line, at any rate. But crap,” Lily said, “I wanted to see that!”  
“The day is yet young, my friend,” Jayme smiled, “And much to be done. Go back to sleep if you want, I have some things I need to take care of before Robin wakes up.” 

“So what’s wrong with my car?” Regina asked as Emma hung up.  
“Somebody sabotaged it. They stuffed a potato up the tailpipe which caused all the exhaust to build up and either blow your engine or launch that potato into deep space. They also put sugar in the gas tank, so the entire fuel system is shot. Most of the gaskets in the engine need to be replaced because they’re the first thing that gives way when pressure builds up like that. Basically, you’re going to have a new hobby scouring German junkyards over the internet.”  
“What!”  
“If I were you, I’d find and store the parts. Then, after the bankruptcy and divorce, fix the car.”  
“Why?”  
“First, because the parts are expensive and it’s going to be awhile before we get them anyway. Second, a car that doesn’t run is worth a lot less than one that does. This may actually be a blessing in disguise. This way you keep your car. You need to file your bankruptcy paperwork, and if your only assets are a condemned house and a broken car, nobody is going to take them away from you.”  
“Unbelievable.”  
“Not only believable, it happens to other people every day. These are the happy endings that aren’t. Welcome to love.”  
On the way home, Regina said, “I’m hungry. Let’s stop somewhere for lunch.”  
“Can we just stop here at Granny’s or does it have to be fancy?”  
“I’m so hungry I could even eat at Granny’s greasy spoon diner.”  
“Great, I want to stop for coffee.”  
Walking into the diner, they immediately noticed Henry waving to them, and walking over, found him sitting next to a hippie with crooked glasses and a very beautiful, green eyed girl.   
“Mom,” Henry said excitedly, “I want you to meet my girlfriend, Ozma. Ozma, these are my moms. Emma is my birth mother and Regina adopted me. Now she’s pregnant with the seraph.”  
“I am delighted to meet both of you,” Ozma said, bowing her head slightly, “And congratulations to you on your seraphic child. That is a rare honor.”  
“Thank you,” Regina said, delighted, while Emma sighed. “I like her,” she said to Henry.  
“Sit down,” Henry said, “We were just about to have lunch.”  
“I am hungry,” Regina smiled, sitting down, briefly noticing the shabby woman in earth tones had vanished. But she was distracted by the lovely Ozma, and Granny asking what they wanted to eat.  
Henry was looking forward to school in a way he never had before. Ozma was there, with her river of long, curly black hair and emerald eyes. She was nice, beautiful, and best of all, liked him, too. Thalia had brought her over from Oz to learn about different realms and thus make a better Queen of Oz. Ozma was also more fun than any girl he’d ever met before, because she’d been a boy up until the previous year, when a spell had reversed itself and changed her back into a girl, so that she could claim the lost title Princess Ozma of Oz. Even though she said she’d always sort of known that she was a girl in a boy’s body, she knew her way around cursing frogs and fun stuff like rope swings that were awesome fun, and she’d already thought of lots of cool things they could do. He was smiling happily, thinking about her when there was a knock at the door.   
“Come on in, it’s unlocked,” Emma said, and Maleficent walked in, making Snow White and Prince Charming jump and shout in surprise.  
“Stop doing that,” Maleficent said, watching them cringe. “I’ve had years to kill you and I haven’t done it yet. Why do you think I’d do it now?”  
“That’s just the problem,” David said, “We can tell you’re thinking about it, and imagining how you’re going to do it, and if we just knew when it was going to happen, we could stop worrying in the meantime.”  
Maleficent rolled her eyes, and said, “I didn’t come here to bother with you, but rather to apologize for what my daughter Lily did to Regina’s house. I think she crashed into it in dragon form, and accidentally set it on fire.”  
“Emma mentioned something along those lines,” Regina said.  
“Anyway, when the squatters are finally gone, I’ll help you repair the damage.”  
“Thank you,” Regina said, “That should make the repairs go much faster.”  
“Hey,” Henry interrupted, “Do you mind if Ozma stops by?”  
“No, that’s fine,” Emma said, much more interested in signing Maleficent up for fixit duty.

Zelena changed the scene yet again, after a full and active day of spying on everyone Lily had ever been curious about. “Let’s see what Emma and Regina are doing,” she laughed, and the scene at the Charming household appeared. At the first sight of Ozma, Zelena recoiled in horror, and shuddered.  
“What’s wrong?” Lily asked, “And what is my mom doing there?”  
“Let’s just say I never wanted or expected to see that girl again,” Zelena said, pointing at Ozma, “At least not as a princess. She should still be in the form of an ignorant peasant boy, with a soggy sandwich in one pocket and a frog in the other.”  
“What the hell?”  
“Some curses are meant to burn worse than others,” Jayme smirked. “The real question is who undid the curse, and why.” But it was not a question she wanted to ponder for long. The chances of Ozma detecting her were far too great; it was time to return to her fortress in Oz. Besides, she’d had enough fun, stealing Regina’s husband and watching her be a mooch on a couch at Snow White’s tiny apartment. She who bedevils and runs away lives to bedevil another day, and she could watch everyone as easily from Oz as from a leaky, dragon-burnt attic. So now, all she needed was an excuse to tell Robin.  
That night, she showed Robin the crystal ball, and told him that after months of searching, she’d discovered where the children were. Regina was in league with some true monsters- Ozma, Glinda, that ghastly Dorothy, Princess Langwidere, and the Squirrel King. “Let me show you what manner of creature holds our children captive,” she said, waving her hand over the crystal. The interior of a silver castle became visible, and a very lovely lady in a long white gown appeared, walking down a long hallway with a silver key jangling from her wrist.  
“Who’s that?” Robin asked.  
“Princess Langwidere. Now, watch what she does.”  
Robin watched as the lady walked through a mirrored hall, and using the silver key, opened a beautiful cabinet, which was filled with heads on velvet lined golden shelves. Then, to his utter horror, she removed her own head, and placed a different one on her neck. She adjusted it with the aid of a jewel-framed mirror, while Robin blanched in terror. “Aaaaahhh! That was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen!”  
“And that is the evil woman who has our children. We need to go rescue them!”  
“Yes! Yes! Of course! When do we leave?”  
“As soon as we can pack up our things,” Zelena answered, picking up a heavy cloth to wrap the crystal ball in while he went to get his bow. She watched him go, and thought that for a fellow who claimed his bow never missed, the boy couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. Suppressing her laughter, she briefly considered where she could then dump Robin and the kids, and decided that at this time of year, the Squirrel King would be holding the Bear County Jamboree, which was just the sort of rustic and idiotic thing they tended to enjoy.


	13. The Seraph

“I don’t feel so good,” Regina said after cleaning up the kitchen with Emma, “I’m going to lie down.”  
“Hey, that’s fine,” Emma said, “Let me know if you need anything.”  
“I will.” She went upstairs to the loft and lay down on the bed. Pulling a blanket up over herself, she curled up on her side and felt a heavy, sinking sensation in her middle and strange, rubber-band like twinges where she’d never experienced anything like that before. She regretted eating too much of Mary Margaret’s lentil loaf already. “Now I’m going to die. Why did I do that?” she asked herself. Because it was delicious. It had tasted so good at the time that she answered her own question, nothing like the five alarm broccoli dinner Snow White had concocted several weeks before. Even David wouldn’t eat that, and Emma’s belief that greens were lethal could have easily come true. After Mary Margaret promised never to make that again, they went out.  
Regina looked out the window from her curled up spot, and saw enormous, sparkling snowflakes starting to fall in the stillness. Moonlight through the heavy cloud cover illuminated the snowpack in the darkness into an unusual, orange-gold that colored everything with an unearthly, magical glow.   
She awoke later to a sharper stretching, rubber-band feeling, and a squeezing sensation. While not particularly painful, it was overwhelming and powerful. She breathed slowly, as the feeling seemed to gain intensity, and she realized that this wasn’t the result of overindulgence, she was ready to give birth. Sitting up, she felt a tremendous amount of pressure fall onto the stretching sensation.  
Emma woke to scrambling and strange noises beside her. Opening her eyes, she saw Regina sitting beside her in the unearthly orange glow, with her knees apart and pulling at her nightgown.   
“What?” Emma stammered awake, “What are you doing?”   
Regina took a deep breath and said, “I think I’m having a baby.”   
“Are you sure? But you’re not due for another four weeks.”  
“I feel as though a giant was squeezing me,” she breathed, making some gasps and squeaks.  
“You’re in labor,” Emma concluded. “Just stay calm and breathe, okay?”  
“Yes,” Regina said, amidst some other barely muffled noises.  
Downstairs, Mary Margaret awoke to lots of heavy breathing upstairs, and what sounded like the start of screams. Oh, no, she thought. Ladies, this is why we have Date Night. She got up just as David awoke.  
“What am I hearing?” he asked.  
“I’ll take care of it,” Mary Margaret said, going up to the loft. Those breathy sighs and intense noises were going to wake everyone else up. She saw Regina sitting there with her nightgown pulled up around her waist, and Emma pushing her knees apart. “Ladies,” Mary Margaret said, “Let’s keep it down, okay? You’re going to wake the kids.”  
Emma looked over her shoulder and said, “Baby in five minutes. Could you get us some towels?”  
Mary Margaret stiffened and said, “Yes, yes, of course!” She rushed back down the ladder.  
“What is it?” David asked.  
She whispered into his ear, “Regina’s having her baby, and it’s happening fast. Stay down here and manage the kids if they wake up. I need to get some old towels and take them upstairs.”  
“Yes, of course,” David answered, hearing Henry start to toss and turn on the sofa. Their voices and every other noise seemed amplified in the absolute silence of the snowfall and strange, glittering gold light.  
Mary Margaret took the towel s back up to the attic loft, and gave them to Emma. “What do you want me to do?” she asked.  
“Which end do you want?”  
“Emma Swan! I do not want Snow White poking me there!”  
“I’ll hold her hand.”  
“Good. Do that,” Emma said, seeing Mary Margaret grasp one of Regina’s hands.  
“Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” Mary Margaret asked.  
“I’ve never been in labor before. I thought it was your lentil loaf.”  
“It wasn’t that bad! Maybe a little gas-producing, but not life-altering!”  
“It’s the red-hot broccoli casserole that would have killed us all,” Emma said.  
“Hey!”  
“Just because you found a book called the Enchanted Broccoli Forest in the library didn’t mean you had to bring it home,” Emma said.  
“If I could interrupt your remembering bad food,” Regina said.   
“You’re doing great,” Mary Margaret said.  
“There’s a giant squeezing me,” Regina gasped.  
“Does it hurt?” Mary Margaret asked.  
“No, just a tremendous amount of pressure and weirdness,” Regina answered, breathing hard and squeezing Mary Margaret’s hand.   
“Yeah,” Emma agreed, “There is definitely lots of weirdness.” She paused and then said, “Baby in a minute. Take a deep breath and push.”   
“You are so lucky,” Mary Margaret said, “Truly.” Then she smiled and said, “This is sort of fun!”  
“For you,” Regina reminded her, taking a deep breath and lying down. Then she closed her eyes.  
“Hey, don’t take a nap now,” Emma said, “Another few pushes and you’ll have your baby.”  
“Just let me rest a minute,” she said, “Despite Snow White’s contact high, this is actually a lot of work.” She breathed deeply with her eyes closed, trying to focus for the final effort, but the temptation to fall asleep was overwhelming. Just for a few minutes, she thought, forgetting to breathe, and drifting off to sleep. She was rudely awakened by being shaken.  
“Hey!” Emma said, “Pay attention, you’re having a baby!” Then she said to Snow White, “Don’t let her lose consciousness like that.”   
“Emma, you’re too uptight,” Snow White said, “Relax, and let her rest for a minute!”   
Emma gave her mother a severe look. Just in case Snow White didn’t remember, they were nearly snowbound at night with a woman in labor who wanted to stop breathing. This is where everything goes horribly wrong, if it’s going to, Emma thought but didn’t say. She could see the baby’s head crowning, and wished they were at a hospital.   
Then Snow White swept Regina’s hair out of her face, and said, “Try now, your baby has thick dark hair, just like yours!”  
Sitting up, and feeling a surge of energy, Regina pushed while Snow White held her hand and enthusiastically cheered her on. Regina caught her breath, and said to her, “I never thought we’d be doing this.”  
“I always wondered why we never did, to be honest,” Snow White told her while she closed her eyes and bore down. “I thought it would be wonderful to have a little sister or brother.”  
“For you,” Regina said, “I’m happy to have escaped being part of Leopold’s desire for a son.”  
“One more push, and your baby will be here,” Emma said, and then a small cry was heard in the stillness, and Emma handed the baby to her mother.   
Regina held her newborn for the first time and said, “My beautiful baby, I promise you that I will make you happy, and I swear to love you forever, and protect you to my last breath. Welcome to the world, my dearest Sophia.” The baby stopped crying and stared at her, eyes wide open in wonder. She held Regina’s finger in her tiny fist and then opened and closed her mouth in an unmistakable greeting.  
Mary Margaret raised an eyebrow at Emma, and then said to Regina, “That was beautiful, and we will always be here to help you.” She admired the baby, as Emma sat down beside her, while mother and baby continued to stare into each other’s eyes.  
“She’s beautiful,” Emma said.  
Sophia gazed curiously and thoughtfully at the new world she found herself in, and took comfort in the warm arms that held her.   
The next morning, Mary Margaret told Henry and David that the baby had been born, but that mother and baby were sleeping, and Emma was upstairs with them. “She’s beautiful, and they both seem to be doing fine,” she added.   
“When can we see?” Henry asked.  
“Let’s have breakfast first, and if they’re still not awake after that, we’ll go upstairs and take a quick peek.”  
“I’ll make breakfast,” David said, “That was the quietest birth I’ve ever heard of.”  
“She said it didn’t hurt, that there was just a lot of pressure,” Mary Margaret said, “I’m sort of jealous, I remember screaming a lot.”  
“I remember that, too,” David agreed, taking things out of the fridge. “Since this is a special occasion, how about I make waffles?”  
“Yeah!” Henry agreed, and while they watched the waffle light, Emma came downstairs.  
“Good morning,” Emma said, and then noticed what they were doing. “Hey, waffles!”  
“How is everyone?” David asked.  
“Tired,” Emma said, “It was a strange birth. Very fast, and she said she didn’t feel any pain.”  
“I’m still jealous,” Mary Margaret laughed, “That wasn’t how it went for me!”  
“Me either,” Emma said, “But at least the baby seems okay. When Regina wakes up, I might try to talk her into going to the hospital.”  
“It’s still snowing out,” Henry said.  
“That certainly was a weird light last night,” Mary Margaret said, “I suppose it was just moonlight reflecting through the clouds and off of the snow on the ground, but it was strange.”  
“What about last night wasn’t strange?” Emma asked, pouring herself some coffee and sitting down. Then she looked over at Mary Margaret, “Why did you agree when she made that promise?”  
“Promise?”  
“Yes, that promise that was half beautiful poem and half terrifying manifesto. That.”  
“Because,” she answered, “The closer we are to her, the faster we can spot and stop anything from going dark.”  
“I guess so,” Emma reluctantly agreed, “Maybe that is a train that needs brakes.”

“We need to go to the hospital, but first you need to take a shower,” Emma said.  
“Is that some sort of hint?” Regina answered.  
“It’s no hint. You smell like sour milk. You’ve been holding that baby and staring into her eyes for days now. Mary Margaret and I will watch the baby.”  
“Well, if it’s that bad, I don’t have much of a choice.”  
“Here, I’ll hold her.”  
Feeling a tremendous amount of trepidation and hesitation, Regina gave her precious child to Emma and wrapped a robe around herself. “Be careful!”  
“The baby’s fine,” Emma reassured her. “Go take a shower, and then we’ll go to the hospital and fill out some paperwork.”  
“That still needs to be done, doesn’t it?”  
“Oh yeah. Enjoy your shower.” Regina looked askance at Emma, like she was about to object. “She’ll be fine,” Emma said. “Did you plan on letting her ever go outside, or to school?”  
“Yes,” Regina admitted.  
“So don’t worry,” Emma said, as Regina reluctantly walked away.  
Mary Margaret smiled, and admired the baby, who was perfect. “Regina is so lucky,” she said, “To have a lovely little one like you.”  
The baby looked at her like she was very pleased with the compliment, as Emma carefully gave her to Snow White, who smiled back at the baby, and they shared a sweet moment of bonding. Then the newborn smiled.  
“You smiled!” Snow White said, “Already! Emma, the baby smiled at me!”  
“Oh, okay,” Emma said, pouring herself a cup of coffee.  
Sophia smiled again, and then put her fist in her mouth, as though hungry.  
“You look hungry or thirsty,” Snow White said, “I should give you something to eat.”  
Emma looked over at her, “Why don’t you hold off on that until you ask her mother first.”  
“Oh, a little water won’t hurt,” Snow White answered, filling up a tiny cup and letting Sophia drink from it. “Here, little baby, have a sip.” She put the cup down and said, “You were thirsty, weren’t you? That’s better, isn’t it?”  
Snow White smiled, and then jumped when the baby said, “Thank you.”


End file.
